Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Outsourced His Job To China So He Could Watch Cat Videos
Dear Amazing Outsourcer,
Most of us are guilty of loafing off on the job a couple times a day. But you, Anonymous Job Outsourcer, decided to game the system by not doing your job all together. Instead, you outsourced your tech job to a man in China, who duly toiled away while you spent the day on Reddit, checking Facebook and watching various and sundry cat videos.
You would have gotten away with it, too, had your company not noticed that someone in China was logging into the system with your VPN. Verizon was brought in to explore the mess, and after an extensive investigation, revealed that you had outsourced your entire job to China. And the best part, according to the Verizon enquiry: You “spent less than one-fifth” of your six-figure salary for the Chinese firm to do your job for you.
And while a worker at thar Chinese consulting firm was doing your job, Verizon officials were able to discern from your web browsing history that most of your days looked something like this:
9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos.
11:30 a.m. – Take lunch.
1:00 p.m. – Ebay time.
2:00 p.m – Facebook/LinkedIn updates
4:30 p.m. – End of day update e-mail to management.
5:00 p.m. – Go home.
And all the while you — or your Chinese counterpart, anyway — received stellar employee reviews and were praised for your consistently flawless work. Not only that, but you managed to outsource a few other jobs to China, too, so you could pick up multiple paychecks. And that’s a good thing, because now that you’re caught, you probably won’t be working for anyone for quite a long time.
Yours in admiration,