Dear Ryan Gosling,
I know that it’s usually Amelia who writes you letters, but this week it’s my turn, because of some major news that just emerged: apparently you tried to join the Backstreet Boys way back when they first made it big, but BSB bad boy AJ McLean (aka the #1 love of my life) didn’t return your calls. I bet that stung. I’m sorry. But guess what, Ry Ry? AJ never meant to blow you off! He just lost your phone number! Duh, bad boys are notorious for losing their address books! And now he has officially invited you to join the Backstreet Boys.
Do you understand what this means? Amelia’s well-documented celebrity obsession is you. My well-documented celebrity obsession is AJ McLean. When this news broke, it was like our spank banks merged and became the Goldman Sachs of sexual fantasies. Are you considering AJ’s offer? You should. Here are eight reasons why…
1. The Backstreet Boys have staying power. How many boy bands have come and gone since 1993, when BSB sang their first harmony in matching overalls? I can name at least a thousand (RIP O-Town! Never 4get 5ive!), and yet, for nearly 20 years now, the Backstreet Boys have been toiling away, making music, touring with New Kids On The Block, hosting fan cruises, and generally being awesome. Hollywood is fickle, Ryan; joining BSB would be a great career move to ensure your longevity in show business!
2. The Backstreet Boys need a reliable fifth boy. As you may know, 2006 was a dark year for BSB fans. Kevin Richardson, known to outsiders as The One With The Eyebrows, left the band to “pursue other interests.” The other members stayed, and even though Kevin eventually rejoined the band last year, it’s tough not to give him a bit of side eye for ditching out. As much as I love the fact that BSB is still composed of all the original members, I could get behind the idea of you replacing Kevin. Plus, you’re a Scorpio, so obviously once you commit to something you follow through with it until you die. That kind of dedication is exactly what BSB needs.
3. AJ could be your facial hair mentor. When it comes to artfully sculpted goatees and the most soulful of soul patches, AJ McLean is basically the Dalai Lama. Do not miss the chance to learn from him.
4. It’s time to focus on your music career. I’m sure you’ve already read Amelia’s incredibly persuasive 1,000 word manifesto on this very topic (you read all of her stuff, right?), but go read it again. She makes some valid points; for example, maybe acting has become a bit too easy for you. I’d just like to take that reasoning a step further and say that maybe singing in your own band has become too easy. It’s time to stretch your wings, learn some choreographed dance moves, and help BSB record an updated version of “Backstreet’s Back.”
5. The Backstreet Boys have mad style. Ryan, I named you one of the Best Dressed Men of 2012, and for good reason–your clothing choices are on point. If I had written a companion article called Best Dressed Boy Bands Of All Time, there would have only been one entry: The Backstreet Boys.
6. It would totally surprise your hipster fans. You’re kind of a hipster deity, Ryan. Can you imagine if you joined the Backstreet Boys? Hipsters would be clamoring for an explanation: are you being ironic? Are the Backstreet Boys so uncool they’re cool again? Are you satirizing something?
7. The Backstreet Boys are a pants-optional band. I used to feel really stifled and angry about how society required me to wear pants every day, so I became a work-from-home blogger. Do you ever feel that way, Ryan? If so, I just want you to know the Backstreet Boys are very progressive in this area.
8. It will repair my relationship with Amelia. Listen, Ryan, I’m gonna be real with you right now. Amelia and I have been on shaky ground ever since we realized we hold conflicting opinions about Baja hoodies. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with her. She posts pictures of Baja hoodies on Twitter to taunt me. Every time I see a tween skater roll by wearing a Baja hoodie, I wince and think of my tattered relationship with my amazing editor and friend. We need something to bring us together, and you joining the Backstreet Boys would definitely give us something to talk about.