Soooo, “Girls” is back. Which means lots of watching them make bad decisions so that we don’t have to. Hooray for vicarious learning! As I watched the season two premiere, I had a bunch of thoughts: How come I never get invited to house parties anymore? Am I old? I should do more karaoke. How are these characters managing to make sooo many mistakes with their exes in the span of 30 minutes? Oops! I”ve done many of these myself. Geez, they make it look so fun and quirky!
In real life, we are well aware that messy ex situations are not fun and quirky. Oh no. They are comp-li-cated and emotionally fraught. After the jump, let’s review all the mistakes that Hannah and the gang made so that we can avoid making them in the future. Spoilers ahead, obviously.
1. Live together. Let’s start with Hannah and her new roommie — gay ex-boyfriend, Elijah. Cut to them spooning in bed together. “Sorry, I have a boner. It’s not for you,” Elijah says. Hilarious! But not so much.
Why is this living situation a bad idea? He’s not attracted to women, you may say. They are platonic friends and feel comfortable around each other. Eh, why not? Here’s why not: Hypothetically, let’s say that Elijah were to become confused about his sexuality after a night of drinking and karaoke and found himself with a boner meant for Hannah’s best friend, Marnie. And hypothetically, if that boner found it’s way into Marnie’s vagina, and then got confused again in mid-pump, would that be awkward for Hannah to find out about? Would that be distressing information for Elijah to keep a secret from his roomie/ex? Would that make Marnie too weirded out to ever come over to Hannah’s apartment again? I say YES to all of the above, but we’ll have to keep watching to find out. Even with the gayest, most platonic of exes, the possibilities for unseen minefields are endless.
2. Not tell them they’re an ex. Oh Hannah. She wasn’t doing Adam any favors by not telling him that she had already broken up with him IN HER MIND. Before you start fucking that hottie Donald Glover, I mean Sandy (never mind that he’s a Republican), you need to tell your invalid boyfriend that you are not together any more. Otherwise, that’s kind of considered cheating. Changing his bedpan and feeding him soup and scratching his balls underneath his body cast is not going to make it any easier to end the relationship.I get that Hannah blames herself for Adam’s injury, but guilt is not an appropriate reason to stay in a relationship. Luckily, by the end of the episode, Hannah grew a pair and told him. Although, I don’t get the feeling he’s going to take it well. I think we may meet Pyscho Adam in the next couple of episodes. I’m scared!
3. Go to parties where you know they’ll be. You might be telling yourself that you want to show off how good you look, how happy you are, how much you don’t need him/her anymore. If you have to tell yourself anything to justify attending a social event where an ex will be, you’re so fucked. Prepare for emotional blitzkrieg. Unless you are truly over that relationship, it’s best to stay away.
Just think, he might be at that party with his new girlfriend, and you’ll have to see him waiting for her while she pees. Why was Charlie waiting for his new chick while she peed? I can write a whole other Dating Don’ts about that. New rule: DON’T EVER WAIT FOR A GIRL OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM UNLESS HER LIFE IS IN DANGER OR SHE ASKS YOU TO.
I’ve gotten sidetracked. Back on topic. Other things that can go wrong when you attend the same party as your ex: You might make out with him accidentally in the coat room. Shoshanna. Or feel so vulnerable that you have sex with a gay man/your best friend’s ex. Marnie. Am I missing anything? That party was a shit show. Moral of story: going to social engagements where you know your ex will be. BAD.
4. Show up at their place and ask to sleep in their bed. You may be at the lowest point in your life. You may have lost your job. Lost your boyfriend. Lost your best friend. Lost your appetite. You might have just had the worst sex of your life with your best friend’s gay ex-boyfriend. You may be drunk. You may be depressed. You may be desperate. But you must not show up on your ex’s doorstep and ask to sleep in his bed. Why? Because he will have to say yes. Or he will have to say no. And either way, in the morning you’ll wish you had gone home and cried in your pillow and watched reality TV instead, because you’ve just further obsfucated your chances of ever getting back together. If you even wanted that chance. Wait and make that decision when you’re not vulnerable and/or wasted. It also helps if he’s single. I’m talking to you, Marnie. Time for therapy.