An Open Letter To Ryan Gosling About His Music Career

Dear Ryan,

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter when I could just tell you in person, over croissant in bed — or through the bars of my jail cell, whatever — how I feel since we are lovers. Well, the reason is I want to express my feelings to you about an important matter in a public forum, in hopes of gathering support from your legion of vehement fans. Some may be resistant at first but I think once they hear the many points of my argument, they will come around, and so too will you.

The matter at hand is this, my love. I think you should take a break from acting and focus on your music.

I know, I know, this must sound like crazy talk to so many. A fantastic actor, who could have any part he asked for, be it Christian Grey in the “50 Shades Of Grey” movie adaptation or the lead in the next Spielberg movie, take a break from making movies to focus on his side career in music? Is she — meaning me — nuts? Yes, I am, but not when it comes to this topic. It is not often that I would implore someone so great at their chosen career to take a year off in favor of an another artistic medium that has brought them less success. I mean, I basically popped a fedora on my head and did some terrible pop-and-lock moves when I found out Justin Timberlake finally — fiiiiiinally — realized it was time to give up his Oscar dreams and head back to the studio in order to make a new album. “Friends With Benefits” was cute for a rom-com — and certainly better than its Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher-helmed twin, “No Strings Attached” — but Justin’s attempts at wooing the Academy with his role in “The Social Network” were desperation personified.

The point is, in general, people who are famous for something should stick to what they’re good at.

Which is really what I’m getting at here, Ry. You’re good — no, great — at at least three things: acting, music, and lovemaking. But let’s stick to the first two, at which you make your living. The world knows you’re a fantastic actor. Frankly, I think you should have won the Oscar for your role in “Half Nelson.” And “Blue Valentine”? Excuse me, but I can barely watch the first 15 minutes of that movie without tearing up, and you’re a significant part of the reason (the missing dog is the other). Your sex appeal — which truly peaks in “Crazy Stupid Love” and “Drive” — is currently uncontested. So uncontested that you have to turn down hotness accolades in order to allow other studs to get their due.

But here’s the thing, boo. I think being a movie star has become a little too easy for you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m starting to think acting is not providing enough of a challenge. I think the acting world is your oyster and as a result, your palette has become less discerning. I mean, basically every reviewer with a pen hates your latest movie “Gangster Squad.” Now, I haven’t seen it yet — I know, I know, but I’ve been busy fretting about your future — but I am 100 percent sure that it will provide me with countless hours of old timey gangster masturbation fodder. I’m loyal like that. But I’m worried about what such mass market schlock does for your creative intellect. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to step away and get those juices — mmm, juices — flowing in a different way.

That way is music, Baby Goose. May I call you Baby Goose even though you’re not on stage? Your band, Dead Man’s Bones, is everything Dogstar, the Bacon Brothers, Wicked Wisdom, and 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts wishes they could be — FUCKING AMAZING. Jared Leto and the rest of 30 Seconds To Mars weep trails of guyliner-stained tears knowing they will never measure up to your inherent greatness. You and your friend Zach Shields, along with the Silverlake Conservatory Children’s Choir, write the most hauntingly beautiful and vaguely creepy melodies and lyrics about ghosts and monsters. I saw you play in New York City in 2009 — look at how close I was to you in your saloon keeper ensemble! — and was blown away by how well your self-titled debut record translated live. I imagine your acting talents help you as musical performer, so if you take my advice and focus on the band for awhile, you won’t need to worry about losing your thespian edge.

Dead Man’s Bones was released over three years ago and you’ve said that it’s been hard to focus on recording a followup. Well, Ryan, let me give you some advice. If you wait around for the right time, it’s never going to happen, not when every script in Hollywood — good and bad — is landing on your door step. May I suggest you follow the lead of recent Golden Globe- and likely Oscar-winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis, who took a five-year break from movie-making in order to focus on shoemaking? Now, I’ve never seen or worn a pair of Daniel’s shoes, but I suspect you’re even better with the piano and guitar then he is with a bag of cobbler’s tools. Daniel was able to feed his creative soul for a few years and then come back to acting even better than before. And he’s old. 

So, seriously, think about it. Believe me, I will miss seeing those beautiful eyes and Photoshopped abs on the big screen as much as the next man, woman, child and canine. But I want what’s best for you and what I think would be great for the music industry — a new album from Dead Man’s Bones. Maybe this one can be about aliens. Plus, your true fans will scramble to see you out on tour. Hell, I’d cut a bitch or 10.

Yours with admiration and ever flourishing love,


P.S. My body’s a zombie for you always.