Dear Jason Earl Dean,
I understand that this week a judge sentenced you to four years in prison for handcuffing yourself to a woman who wouldn’t go out with you. Apparently, her Taco Bell coworkers heard her screaming, and rushed outside to find you cuffed to this woman. When they approached, you let her go. According to reports, you’d been asking her out for like, a month, so I’m sure it seemed like a perfectly logical thing to do at the time — because life is a Dane Cook rom-com.
After the incident, you went on the run, but that didn’t last long. And now you’ve been sentenced to four years in prison plus six years probation!
However, it looks like you got over your Taco Bell crush. According to your Facebook page, you’re with a young woman named Jada — it says “JasonandJadaForever.” But your relationship status says you’re dating a woman of a different name. And when I went to her Facebook page, she’s “in a relationship” with someone else. Perhaps you have room for one more in this confusing wicked web? Let me know!