An Open Letter To All The Publicists Sending Me Stuff For Valentine’s Day

Dear Publicists,

Hello. I get soooo many emails from you. Sooooo many emails that go straight into the trash. Especially around holidays that are considered very Frisky friendly. Valentine’s Day! Yes, I’m well aware that it’s right around the corner, waving at me. Mocking me. I know that it’s your job to pitch products on behalf of your clients. Lots of stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Stuff that I would never use or care about or write about. But still, you send it. Sometimes, every once in a while, that stuff is GREAT. So, thank you. That pair of jeans that Pacific Sun sent are one of my favorites! And the “Girls” branded Klean Kanteen water bottle is the Christmas present I wanted but didn’t receive.

The rest of the stuff … not so much. I have 12 male masturbators and a stack of New Age love and sex books (titles including Spiritual Lovemaking, Beyond Soul Mates, and I Saw Your Future And He’s Not It) taking up space at my desk. I’m hard pressed to throw out a book, but what do I do with it? I’ve been opening up to pages at random and reading passages to my co-workers.

“When you place your focused awareness on your own penis or vagina while relaxing, you’ll discover that they are capable of a large spectrum of sensations you probably had not experienced previously because you were tense and goal oriented. This was my experience , and it was a revelation! I didn’t think I could really feel the inside of my vagina …” – an excerpt from Spiritual Lovemaking, chapter entitled “Genital Consciousness”

And the male masturbators? I can’t exactly present something called a “Triple Flip Hole” on a first date. But I can’t seem to put it in the garbage either. Right now, I am using it as decoration. It looks kind of like a speaker.

Sometimes you send me emails without any gifts. That’s even worse. Just long, bullet-pointed, weirdly formatted emails that won’t display in my inbox. We use Gmail here at TheFrisky and Gmail doesn’t automatically display images for mass emails. So, yeah. I know you sent the email out to 500 people on your mailing list. I don’t feel special.

Here’s the thing: I want to help you. I sincerely want to like or use the stuff you send me. I want to write about it. But you’re going about it the wrong way. You’re wasting your time sending me emails with bullet points and statistics. I know that you’re throwing spaghetti at a wall and hoping something will stick, but I say, try a different approach.

If you want me to take the pitch for your client seriously, send me a personalized email, or at least something that seems personalized. Instead of sending me three pages of bios and bullet points and photographs, send me one paragraph and say something like, “I have a [insert here] that I think is a fit for The Frisky. Here’s a link. Let me know if you want to brainstorm ideas about how to cover it.” I still may not use the person/product/idea but I’m about 100 percent more likely to if with that approach.

As I’m writing this, I’ve gotten three new emails from you, Publicists. One asking me if I want the services of a sexual health expert who can answer “kinky” questions. I don’t even know what that means! One for a book about how to find a guy in 10 days and keep him around for Valentine’s Day. Do you dispose of him once the holiday is over? And one for decadent vegan desserts. That actually sounds good, but I’m trying to lay off the sugar. So, sorry. I had to delete it.

I hope you will take this advice to heart.

Best of luck,

Ami Angelowicz