Dreadlocked Caleb Grotberg Attempts To Kill Girlfriend By Strangling Her With His Dreadlocks

Paging Winona: There’s a dreadlocked lothario almost-killer roaming your fair city of Portland. It seems that this dreadlocked dude attempted to strangle his girlfriend to death using one of his dreadlocks. (Please insert terrible, “talk about organic” joke here.) I guess sometimes you work with what you have — and in the case of 32-year-old Portland, Oregon, resident Caleb Grotberg, he had dreadlocks at hand.

Now, let me clear — there is nothing funny, at all, about a woman being victimized by a dude and his dreads, and we’re glad to hear that the victim survived the attack. But there is something eternally funny about a white dude with dreadlocks.

I understand that Portland is sort of a Mecca for white dudes with dreadlocks. So it may be difficult to discern this guy from say, the local hackysack crew, or the barista at your favorite coffee shop, or the man behind the counter at your bespoke bike shop. But be diligent and alert — you never know when one of those disgusting hair tentacles will reach out and try and strangle you, too.

And in case you’re living under a rock, or a place where white dudes don’t grow dreadlocks, the Associated Press has helpfully explained what a dreadlock is: “Dreadlocks are matted ropes of hair.” Geez, has nobody at the AP seen the Andy Samberg “Ras Trent” skit?  [KOIN 6]