“The Bachelor” Recap: Sean Lowe, AKA Bachelor Bronze, Meets His Matches Including A Girl With One Arm, Three Women Of Color & A Familiar Face From A Previous Season

It’s a new year. You know what that means — it’s time for another season of everyone’s favorite sadly embarrassing dating show, “The Bachelor”! I took a wee bit of a hiatus from “Bach”-snarking last season, because I literally could not muster up one single solitary fuck about “Bachelorette” Emily. So boring, and from what I understand, so was her season. I must admit, I was sort of tempted to keep up my “Bachelor” break this season when I learned the new leading man would be one of Emily’s rejects, Sean Lowe. With his bleaches blonde hair and orange-y tan, he’s practically her twin. But then I remembered that “The Bachelor” is never about the man in question, but the crazy women fighting for his heart. Also, I never have plans on Monday, so what else was I going to do with my time? So, let’s get to know Bachelor Bronze (my nickname for him, henceforth, because he is SO tan and he came in third in Emily’s season) and his bevy of desperately single broads…

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Poor Sean. Emily really broke his heart when he was cut before the final two last season. But Arie, Emily’s final rejected bachelor, understands how Sean feels and has arrived to pump up Sean’s ego before his big night meeting all the ladies.  Now, I didn’t see last season, but why didn’t producers pick Arie to be “The Bachelor”? He’s kind of hot. I kind of loved this scene of Sean demonstrating his various “Will you accept this rose?” deliveries, and Arie showing Sean how to kiss. P.S. Is there something in the “Bachelor” contract that says you must wear a V-neck when appearing in casual wear on camera?

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Time to meet some of the ladies! I’ll spare you all of the introductions because they all look alike — save for four, yes, FOUR women of color (Leslie H, Brooke, Robyn and Ashley H) — and Sean will be whittling them down soon enough. But here are three that stood out to me. First up is Sarah, who you will remember for her lovely blonde hair and ONE ARM. When Sarah was in the womb, the umbilical cord wrapped around her still growing limb, so now she only has a half arm. “The Bachelor” is taking this aspect of its desire to increase diversity from the Tyra Banks/”America’s Next Top Model” handbook. But in all seriousness, I like Sarah. She seems nice enough. Her “disability” is neither here nor there to me. Though my initial hunch was that she would make it through round one, if only because Sean can hardly cut the woman with one arm on the first episode. Right?

And then there’s Ashley P. Ohhhhh, Ashley P. The physical embodiment of the hell Fifty Shades Of Grey hath wrought upon our lives. It is Ashley P.’s favorite book. I suspect it’s the only book she’s read, by the way. Christian Grey, the book’s pervy protagonist, is the only man currently in her life. Ashley can’t wait to play Anastasia to Sean’s Christian, although I don’t think announcing such things on TV is the way to make a good impression on Sean’s incredibly cookie cutter and religious family. Keep the Fifty Shades shit in the Red Room of Pain under lock and key, Ashley. Also, shut up.

Lastly, here’s Lesley. (FYI, there are three Ashley/AshLee’s and two Lesley/Leslies. VERY CONFUSING.) Lesley is the politically-minded one, which is kind of refreshing considering I don’t think any girl in “Bachelor” history has professed to any political beliefs. Not sure where Lesley stands on the issues, but she seems smart and accomplished and opinionated. I see her going far, although not till the end. I suspect Sean isn’t all that political himself.

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There are plenty more long-haired blondes and brunettes to confuse, and like I said, I won’t bother going through the rest … except for two. (Well, three: Lindsay, above, arrives in a wedding dress, because she’s “goofy.”) Above, meet Tierra, a bubbly cutie who so enchanted Sean with, like, one look when she walked out of the limo that he promptly asked her to hold on a minute, ran into the house, begged Chris Harrison for a rose, and gave it to her. Like, before the cocktail party even really began. Sean Howe, you guys! A “Bachelor” who’s here to break the rules! I just want to know what Tierra did that made Sean so weak in the knees. Did her breath smell like freshly baked cookies? What? The other girls are totes jealous of Tierra’s “first time in ‘Bachelor’ history” rose acquisition.

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Sean thinks all the ladies have arrived, but Chris has a surprise. There’s another woman on her way, a woman who appeared on “The Bachelor” before and left broken-hearted, just like him. She begged to be on the show the minute she heard Sean was “The Bachelor” — so who is it? Why … it’s Kacie B! From Bachelor Ben’s season! She went all the way to the final four and then got cut because Ben couldn’t deal with her family. Kacie seems like a much better fit for Sean, I’ll tell you that right off. Ben was a cocky douche and Sean, while not my type on account of the fact that I prefer men who are not as prone to going orange in the sun, seems like a real traditional Southern gentleman. Naturally, the other women are not pleased that a chick who already got her shot at love is back! Forgetting, of course, that Sean is back for a second chance too. Whatever.

If you thought Sean was done handing out roses after giving Tierra one the second she hopped out of the limo, you thought wrong. Sean, apparently, is totally rose happy! He starts giving them out like candy at Halloween to seemingly every woman who doesn’t annoy the crap out of him. Desiree (aka Des), who reminds me of a tiny-teethed Jessica Alba, gets a rose! AshLee (yes, that’s how she spells her name) — who was in foster homes as a kid — gets a rose! Robyn (one of the four Black women) gets a rose! (While it’s cool and all that the show is responding to the controversy over a lack of diversity in the casting, by putting four Black women in the roster of ladies for Sean to choose from, I will be SHOCKED if any of them last longer than another week or two.)

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While the other women are throwing themselves at Sean and lobbying for one on one time, Sarah is hanging back. Her one arm makes her insecure. She’s a great gal, she says, so the reason she’s still single must be because of her missing limb. I would like to remind Sarah that all of the other women in the house have two arms and are still single and, oh yes, so do I. We’re just single. It happens. Luckily, Sean comes and gets Sarah for some alone time and while she talks about her dog a lot (it’s okay, girl, I’d do the same thing), Sean gives her a rose.

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You know who hasn’t had enough alone time with Sean? Anastasia, I mean, Ashley P., our Fifty Shades of Grey fan. She’s drunk and doing a little sexy dancing to get Sean’s attention. When he finally can’t pretend any longer that he doesn’t see her humping the air, he brings her in for a chat and she, of course, brings up her favorite erotic novel and a tie for emphasis. Which Sean has seemingly never heard of. Womp womp.

At this point, Sean has given out 12 roses — seriously, he gave out so many, the didn’t even include them all in the edit — so a good chunk of the women are chillaxing, while the rest are fretting because clearly it didn’t take much to make a good first impression on Sean. The rose ceremony is a bit anti-climactic as a result, with only seven roses being given out. The women who receive roses on night one? AmandaAshLee FBrookeCatherineDaniellaDesireeDiana (single mom to two kids), Jackie, Kacie, KatieKristyLaceyLesley MLeslie HLindsayRobynSarah (one armed girl), SelmaTaryn, and Tierra (first impression rose girl). I know, a lot of these names don’t mean that much to you. They don’t mean that much to me either, but I always like to start off the season with my guesses for who will make the final four. My hunch says, we’ll see Tierra, Kacie, Daniella, and AshLee F. take Bachelor Bronze home to meet their folks. But we’ll see, won’t we?

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