“The Bachelor” Recap: Sean Lowe, AKA Bachelor Bronze, Meets His Matches Including A Girl With One Arm, Three Women Of Color & A Familiar Face From A Previous Season

It’s a new year. You know what that means — it’s time for another season of everyone’s favorite sadly embarrassing dating show, “The Bachelor”! I took a wee bit of a hiatus from “Bach”-snarking last season, because I literally could not muster up one single solitary fuck about “Bachelorette” Emily. So boring, and from what I understand, so was her season. I must admit, I was sort of tempted to keep up my “Bachelor” break this season when I learned the new leading man would be one of Emily’s rejects, Sean Lowe. With his bleaches blonde hair and orange-y tan, he’s practically her twin. But then I remembered that “The Bachelor” is never about the man in question, but the crazy women fighting for his heart. Also, I never have plans on Monday, so what else was I going to do with my time? So, let’s get to know Bachelor Bronze (my nickname for him, henceforth, because he is SO tan and he came in third in Emily’s season) and his bevy of desperately single broads…

The Frisky SIngle Video Player ‘No Auto Play’ (CORE)
No Changes are to be made to this player

You know who hasn’t had enough alone time with Sean? Anastasia, I mean, Ashley P., our Fifty Shades of Grey fan. She’s drunk and doing a little sexy dancing to get Sean’s attention. When he finally can’t pretend any longer that he doesn’t see her humping the air, he brings her in for a chat and she, of course, brings up her favorite erotic novel and a tie for emphasis. Which Sean has seemingly never heard of. Womp womp.

At this point, Sean has given out 12 roses — seriously, he gave out so many, the didn’t even include them all in the edit — so a good chunk of the women are chillaxing, while the rest are fretting because clearly it didn’t take much to make a good first impression on Sean. The rose ceremony is a bit anti-climactic as a result, with only seven roses being given out. The women who receive roses on night one? AmandaAshLee FBrookeCatherineDaniellaDesireeDiana (single mom to two kids), Jackie, Kacie, KatieKristyLaceyLesley MLeslie HLindsayRobynSarah (one armed girl), SelmaTaryn, and Tierra (first impression rose girl). I know, a lot of these names don’t mean that much to you. They don’t mean that much to me either, but I always like to start off the season with my guesses for who will make the final four. My hunch says, we’ll see Tierra, Kacie, Daniella, and AshLee F. take Bachelor Bronze home to meet their folks. But we’ll see, won’t we?