Kim Kardashian’s Most Important Pregnancy Essentials

Woohoo! The Illuminati is having a baby, you guys, and I’m so stoked! Yep, the axis of evil (and fun, so much fun) heretofore known as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, now the singular Kimye, got knocked up. E! Online was kind enough to present a sort of gift guide of Kim’s maternity must-haves for a stylish and comfortable nine months (or however long Damien must incubate), and I got kind of jealous so I had to go and make my own. Get the details on the stuff I think is perfect for Kim’s pregnancy after the jump! Also, if anyone could send me Kimye’s address that would be great, just so I can get their gifts to them ASAP. Thanks in advance, everybody!

From left to right, kind of:

  • GoPro: This is a small, portable video camera that I am pretty sure you can attach to your face, kind of like a headlamp, to film what you’re seeing. Kim will use this, of course, to document childbirth from her perspective. Kanye will show the resulting film on seven carefully arranged screens at Cannes. Critics will call it “groundbreaking” and “avant-garde.”
  • Mederma: Scar-healing cream for the aftermath of the inevitable c-section. If for some stupid reason you think Kimmy is actually going to push that thing out her coochie, think again. Think again.
  • A diamond “Kimye” nameplate necklace: Three of them, please. This one is just a representation that I made myself, on the computer. Pretty good, right?
  • Lavender shortbread cookies: Because Kate Middleton has reportedly been eating them to quell her morning sickness, and Kimmy looooves Princess Kate. Kim’s recipe will contain grated diamond dust and souls, naturally.
  • Nannies: Technically this is Fran Drescher as “The Nanny,” but whatever. Kim and Kanye will have several nannies, numbering anywhere in the neighborhood of 10 and 100. They will all wear this outfit and Kim will eventually pass the child off to one of them when she discovers that she is, like, so allergic.
  • QuickTrim: I wanted to say that Kim would like to have a weight loss endorsement, a la Jessica Simpson, but then I remembered that she already endorses diet pill QuickTrim. It is fucking dangerous. Let’s pray to the powers that be that this person does not breastfeed.
  • A walker: Big pregnant belly, dat ass — how in the world is Kimmy going to stay upright? It is against the laws of gravity. I’m concerned.
  • A designer muu muu: This $2,200 silk “caftan” (it’s a fucking muu muu) should do the trick. I think Kanye will appreciate that the color scheme fits right in with the rest of their shared closet, which is full of leather kilts, peplum tops, and Birkin bags.
  • Kanye’s crystal Margiela headpiece: This is just wishful thinking, because Kim would only wear this if she wanted to go unnoticed by the paparazzi, and that would never happen. Plus it’s a joke because she can shapeshift anyway.

Not shown:

  • The Kimye maternity collection: Definitely. An absolute must-have!