Dear 38-Year-Old Anonymous Man,
You must be dying of embarrassment right now after receiving a five-page, formal letter of reprimand from your employer accusing you of “uncontrollable flatulence” that is creating an “intolerable” and “hostile” environment for coworkers. OUCH.
Apparently, you told your supervisor that you suffered from “some medical conditions,” but he or she isn’t buying it. Your manager stated that “nothing that you have submitted has indicated that you would have uncontrollable flatulence. It is my belief that you can control this condition.”
The manager initially handled your excessive gassiness by politely asking you if you could “make it to the restroom before releasing the awful and unpleasant odor.” You said you were lactose intolerant and that you would purchase some Gas-X. But you didn’t do that, Farter. You just kept letting them rip. This left management with only one option: to keep a flatulence log. The log listed 17 separate dates (and 60 specific instances) in which you passed terrible gas at work.
Can you control your condition? Are you suffering from a food allergy? I don’t know, Farter. The picture of you above, posing with Pepe Le Pew, doesn’t bode well for you. I beg you to get your GI tract checked out. Maybe there is a solution for you. Even if there is no legitimate medical issue plaguing your colon, and you just happen to think farting is fun, it’s not worth losing your job over. There are other amusing ways to pass gas.