10 New Year’s Resolutions Every Man Should Make

I’m tired of making New Year’s resolutions for myself. It’s time to play God and suggest some resolutions for guys. I have your best interests at heart, fellas.

1. Call her. Here is a novel idea. Let’s use the phone for its original purpose — actual voice-to-voice contact. Guys, in 2013, I implore you: occasionally call a chick, whether it’s someone you’re into, a woman you’re casually dating, or the lady you’ve been with for years. Pick up the phone, dial her number, hopefully she picks up — it’s so rare that we get phone calls from dudes, we could go into shock and you might need to try again — and talk to us. Maybe to ask the girl you’ve been into out on a date. Perhaps to tell your girlfriend you love her. Maybe just to have one of those terribly outdated things called “a conversation,” where the two of you are lying on beds in other places, chatting for hours. Generally, I hate the phone, but that would be rad. Oh, and call your mom too. She loves you.

2. Make plans. I’m all for spontaneity. It’s flattering when a guy suddenly texts you to hang out last minute because it suggests you’re on his mind and he can’t wait to see you. Hell, with certain people, I’m into booty calls. But if I like a dude and he likes me, it’s way preferable to make plans in advance. Think up something cool to do, make sure it fits into her busy schedule, and execute it. The anticipation will have its rewards, trust.

3. Put the toilet seat down. At your own place you can do what you want, homie. But when you’re at my pad and you get up to pee in the middle of the night and you don’t put down the seat, I then get up in the morning and in my sleepy haze don’t notice and suddenly I have a wet ass and I hate you.

4. Stop wondering what else is out there. In a city filled with more single women than single men, dudes have a lot of options. So many options that many of them always have one eye peeled in case something better comes along. But when you have one eye on me and the other eye on the rest of the women out there, you’re not using both eyes to see how f**king rad I am. So stop that.

5. Improve your cunnilingus skills. Most of you are a’ight. It’s OK, it’s not like they teach it in school or via a video game. Some of you have practiced and are pretty good. And a few of you are really awesome at it. I think you know which category you want to be in this year, am I right?

6. Stop obsessing about your stomach paunch. It’s cute. Sure, ripped abs are sexy and all, but a dude who likes to go out for a yummy meal and would rather spend an hour going down on us than hitting the gym is sexier. In exchange, I resolve to skip Bikram in favor of giving you a blow job. Oh wait, I do that already.

7. Work on your mental health. Most women I know take care of their mind/body by seeing a therapist, or by going to yoga/meditation classes or an acupuncturist, reading self-help books, being mindful of healthy eating — they’re always pursuing ways to feel healthier emotionally. Most guys I know deal with their emotional health by … oh wait, they don’t deal with it all. Dudes, it’s OK for you to want to know yourself better. You’re not soft or weak if you book a shrink appointment; you’re actually stronger.

8. Ditch that “bros before hoes” crap. You don’t have to choose. Seriously, go out with your friends. Howl at the moon together. Just make time for us too.

9. Stop sending mixed signals. If we’re having sex for the first time and you’re looking deep into our eyes the whole time and saying over and over how beautiful we are, we will be floating on air the next day. And then we will come crashing down to earth in a bloody heap of limbs and sadness when you never speak to us again. I mean, if it’s going to be a one-night stand, leave the romance on the floor with our bra and the condom wrapper, OK?

10. Be honest about your priorities. Look, if your career is most important to you, then you need to admit you don’t have time to date. Recently, a guy friend of mine signed up for online dating at the suggestion of some of his friends. He showed me a series of emails he had been exchanging with a girl over the course of a couple weeks, yet he still hadn’t gone out with her. When I asked what the hell was taking him so long, he said, “I’m a busy guy.” I was annoyed. Dude, my last pen pal was in 5th grade and she lived in Russia. If you don’t have time to date — because of your career or other goals — then just admit it and stop pretending otherwise.