I just admitted to the ladies here that my way of dealing with my recent breakup is to have out loud, imaginary conversations with him. Not like angry conversations, just very casual conversations. Example:
Me: Did you see the latest episode of “Kitchen Nightmares”? It’s ridiculous.
Me: Yeah, I knew you’d enjoy it. Do you know Gordon Ramsay has a new show called “Hotel Hell”? I don’t know how I missed it. It’s soooo bad. You should check it out on Hulu … I went to yoga today.
Of course, I don’t expect him to answer, I know he’s not really there, I’m not insane, but I figure that having imaginary conversations with him is better than sending an impulsive “I miss you,” text, which I’d surely regret. Imaginary conversations feel more constructive. I realize this is weird, but whatever, I’m owning it. I feel totally comfortable talking to myself. It beats eating chocolate in bed, crying and watching a “Cupcake Wars” marathon. (Those things are all normal post-breakup behaviors, by the way. So no judgement if that’s how you’re dealing.)
I asked everyone else I knew to share their most shameful post-breakup confessions, just so I’d feel less alone in my weirdness. Below. the strangest things people have done to cope with heartbreak. Human beings are so bizarre and wonderful, aren’t we?
“There’s an extremely good-looking billionaire that I know, and every time I break up with someone, I text him, sleep with him, then don’t talk to him again until the next break up. He has heated toilet seats. I can’t help myself.”
“I made my brother sleep in my bed with me. That is right. I make him sleep in my bed. I have a king bed and we both stayed to our respective sides so it wasn’t like we SPOONED or anything weird, but he did sleep in my bed.”
“An ex of mine once gave me this really ridiculous menorah. Like a 2-foot-tall concept menorah. I grabbed it, ran outside, and chucked in it the trash. I actually felt really bad about it. It wasn’t the menorah’s fault.”
“I broke up with my boyfriend then slept with a gay man regularly for three months.”
“I reblogged deep quotes about love and life on Tumblr in hoped that he would see them.”
“I didn’t wash the sheets for two months so that I would still have his germs in my bed from the last time he spent the night.”
“Breakup tattoos. Driving 16 hours straight through from Tennessee to Texas to get the fuck away from my ex. Having sex with a guy (I’m a lesbian). These are all things I’ve done.”
“I purposefully strolled by a restaurant we went to on a date and went inside to feel the residual energy of ‘us’.”
“Right after my boyfriend and I broke up, I was sitting next to a gay man I know and found myself powerfully wanting to fuck him. This has never happened to me before. I’ve found gay men attractive, but have never been sexually attracted to any.”
“I made strict rules for when I could cry (10 minutes before bed) and how long I was allowed to be sad about our breakup (90 days).”
“When I was home alone after getting dumped, I put all my pets in the room with me and closed the door so they couldn’t leave.”
“I like to stare at myself in the mirror while I cry about being heartbroken.”
“I talk to my dog about my feelings and then she responds like my therapist, only my therapist that tells me what I want to hear.”
“I listened to a song and imagined I was singing it to him and how he would react.”
“I kept dating him ‘as friends.’”
YOUR TURN! I won’t judge. Promise.