Astrology 101: How To Spot Each Sign … During The Apocalypse

So, maybe you haven’t heard, but there’s this little rumor going around that the world is going to end tomorrow. Obviously, it’s not going to (even NASA says so!), but, you know, just in case it does, we’ve compiled a guide to the actions and whereabouts of each zodiac sign in an apocalyptic event. Which sign has a stockpile of awesome snacks? Which sign is leading an army? Which sign will be partying with cockroaches when the rest of us are long gone? Read on to find out…

Aries (March 21st-April 19th): Whatever kind of battles pop up in the chaotic aftermath of an apocalyptic event, you can bet the front lines will be packed with Aries warriors, all pumped up on adrenaline and ready to throw down.

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): If you find yourself in the presence of a Taurus at the end of the world, count yourself lucky: they’ve been hoarding food and supplies, and the momentous occasion might finally give them reason to pop open that bottle of vintage Pinot Noir.

Gemini (May 21sh-June 20th): Combining their cleverness, adaptability, and enviable social skills, Geminis will be questioning everyone they meet and gathering priceless information. Want to know what’s going on around that bend? Ask a Gemini. They’ll know what’s up.

Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): Cancers won’t be building any fancy bunkers or evacuating to a centralized location: instead, they’ll turn their home into a fortress, hunker down with their loved ones, and refuse to budge, no matter what.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): When danger’s in the air, Leos switch into protective Lioness mode. They’ll hustle their loved ones in a safe space and patrol the perimeter–and lord help anyone who tries to bust through.

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Virgos may be tough to spot, but you don’t need to worry about them: they’re chilling in their perfectly organized, well-stocked bunkers.

Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): When they’re not attempting to keep the peace among warring groups of survivors (good luck with that, Libras!), they’ll be using their charms to negotiate a trade for that delicious can of Spam someone found in a ditch.

Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): There are three things that will absolutely, undoubtedly survive the apocalypse: Twinkies, cockroaches, and Scorpios. They’ll channel their intensity and diligence into doing whatever it takes to stay alive. Try to keep them on your side.

Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): People will be drawn to Sagittarians’ confidence and know-how, so it won’t take long before they’ve amassed a small army of eager followers, whether or not they actually wanted to.

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Resourceful Capricorns will be taking stock of what they have and strategizing how to get what they need. Team up with them if you can: they’re prepared to use whatever (and whoever) comes across their path to ensure their survival.

Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Doing their best to keep people calm, clear-headed Aquarians will be organizing communities of survivors, making sure to draw on the unique strengths of each person and laying down the rules for a fair and just society.

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Natural caretakers, you’ll find Pisceans tending to the wounded and sharing their deep well of kindness and compassion with anyone who needs it.