Updated Christmas Carols: Celeb Couple Edition

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Last year we rewrote some traditional Christmas carols to reflect the awkward reality of modern holiday celebrations. This year we thought we’d give some festive tunes a pop culture twist. Let’s kick things off with three songs to honor the strange twists and turns of three celebrity couples who made headlines this year. Grab some eggnog, do your vocal warm-ups, and join us in a Hollywood holiday serenade…

“Dress The Kim” (sung to the tune of “Deck The Halls”)

Dress the Kim in Kanye’s outfits
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Suck it in until that skirt fits
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Don we now our strange apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hope that fox scarf isn’t feral
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See her throw out all her old clothes
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Bummer, dude, we really liked those
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Kanye chose some peplum rompers
Fa la la la la, la la la la
And leather boot-pants for her clompers
Fa la la la la, la la la la

If we were her we’d ask him to stop
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dressing us like an S&M RoboCop
Fa la la la la, la la la la

“Tom the Scientologist” (sung to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

Tom the Scientologist was a jolly, famous guy
He’s not that tall and if you recall,
he was in “Vanilla Sky.”

Tom the Scientologist jumped on a couch one day
“I love Kate!” he cried, Oprah gave him side-eye,
but Tom always gets his way.

Pretty soon he got married and also became a dad,
and Katie seemed to have it all,
but she always looked so sad.

O, Tom the Scientologist
has a most unique world view,
he says no to drugs and gives all his love
to an alien named Xenu.

Tom the Scientologist, thought he had the perfect life
til Katie split, and said,
“Dude, that’s it, I don’t want to be your wife.”

Far away from Tom’s church,
Katie ran and ran and ran.
She took Suri too, the world said, “Go you!”
and “Give us details, if you can!”

“Joy to Canada” (sung to the tune of “Joy to the World”)

Joy to Canada! Chavril’s engaged!
A punk queen has found her king!
The dude from Nickelback
met the girl who sang “Sk8r Boi”
and gave her a giant ring
and gave her a giant ring
and gave her, and gave her, a giant ring.

Joy to Canada! Chavril is here!
“Rock hard” will be their vow!
Let’s not delay, and make their wedding day
a national holiday now
a national holiday now
a national, a national holiday now!

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