Be My Boyfriend: Real-Life Edward Scissorhands

Dear Valentino LoSauro,

I’ve been waiting for Edward Scissorhands to give me a haircut since 1990. I know you don’t look like Johnny Depp, and I don’t look that much like Winona Ryder, but I’d like you to give me a haircut with your Clawz. (I like to put “Z”s on the endz of my wordz, too!)

You’ve been quoted as saying that Clawz bring musicality to hairdressing. And you use special cutting techniques you’ve dubbed “Flight of the Bumblebee” and “Zap” and “Raking.” It’s obvious that you are a former pianist. I was a singer. We have so much in common!

Valentino, cut my hair. Zap me. Bumblebee me. Rake me. Put your Clawz all over my head. Be my hairdresser. But we can skip the blindfold.

Ami Angelowicz
[Oddity Central]