Dear Whoever Was In Charge Of The Guest List For The Upscale Walgreens Opening Party In Hollywood,
I’m sitting here at my computer, sipping my second cup of coffee, and looking at photos of Fergie and Mark McGrath posing on the red carpet. This might sound like a pretty standard moment in the life of a pop culture blogger, but there’s one difference: instead of smiling genially at the reminder that Mark McGrath still exists and is starting to look like a wax museum version of himself, I’m seething with rage and disappointment. Because you see, Mark and Fergie weren’t just posing on any old red carpet, they were posing on a red carpet rolled out for the opening of a new upscale Walgreens superstore in LA, and, due to a seriously tragic oversight, it seems I wasn’t invited…
You see, I don’t just love Walgreens. I am in love with Walgreens. It is my favorite store, my second home, my place of worship, and my therapist’s office, all rolled into one. Something about the fluorescent lights and the endless collection of cosmetics, snack foods, prescription drugs, and heavily discounted Eddie Murphy DVDs calms my mind and soothes my soul.
I could wander the aisles for hours–and sometimes I do–absentmindedly examining the anti-dandruff treatments and pondering the meaning of life. I always walk out of Walgreens with a bottle of festive nail polish, a novelty-flavored granola bar, and a new outlook. I spend an astonishing amount of time and money at Walgreens. If you ever held a contest for MVC (Most Valuable Customer), I am fairly confident that I would win. And yet, when Walgreens opened its 8000th store in Los Angeles this weekend, I was conspicuously absent from the guest list.
To make things worse, this isn’t just any Walgreens (hence the red carpet). This is the most ridiculously extravagant Walgreens ever, complete with a sushi bar, eyebrow grooming and shaping services, a gourmet coffee shop, and grocery options including artisan cheeses and 700 different kinds of wine. If I can happily spend two hours exploring the normal-sized Walgreens near my house, can you imagine the time I could invest in a mega luxury Walgreens? Remember that movie where Natalie Portman’s boyfriend leaves her so she moves into a Walmart? I think it’s time for a sequel. This time, however, it will be a documentary about a girl from Portland who travels to Hollywood and moves into a Walgreens superstore not because she has to, but because she wants to. Talk about great publicity!
Do you see now what a travesty it was to exclude me from this event? I mean, Fergie may be famous, but do you think she ever shops at Walgreens? Most likely not. Do you think Mark McGrath is ready to move into a Walgreens? Well, he might be, but that’s beside the point. Did I mention Kurt Russell was there too? I don’t even really know how to respond to that.
To save myself from further emotional trauma, I’m just going to assume my invitation was lost in the mail, and have a stern talk with my mailman about this.