Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Stole 30 Cars In Less Than 3 Months

Dear Reynaldo Nazario,

Some car thieves take an entire lifetime to accomplish what you did in less than three months — stealing 30 cars in 75 days. Your steadfast dedication to your craft has meant that you’ve spent quite a lot of time in prison — nine out of the last 10 years you’ve been locked away on charges related to car theft. But that just shows you can be dedicated and committed to something (or someone) you care about.

Of course, there’s the matter of your brother Frank, who seemed to happily rat you out to The New York Times. My brother’s drug is cars,” he said. “He can’t stay away from them.”

So Reynaldo, I know you’re currently being held on $100,000 bail, but I’ll wait for you with my friend Darius McCollum. He really likes trains. [NY Times]