Dan Savage suggests fucking before dinner. And yeah, that’s probably the best policy when it comes to huge holiday meals like Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. But if you can’t make that happen for whatever reason (and there are plenty of reasons, like FAMILY STRESS), you might find yourself in an emotional place where you need to seek solace in the comfort of sex after the biggest meal of your life. If that’s the place you find yourself in, or if holidays just make you horny, there are ways to work around that five-pound food baby in your stomach. Some tips for post-huge dinner sex after the jump.
1. Go easy on the turkey. Turkey is wonderful and amazing, but it makes you sleepy as hell. That’s because it contains an enzyme called tryprtophan which makes you tired. If you plan to stay awake for the fucking portion of the evening, which comes after the eating too much portion of the evening, keep your turkey portions in check.
2. Use dessert as a motivator. If you’re smart, you’ll sneak in a quickie in that downtime between dinner and dessert. It’s perfect, because you’re not going to fall asleep before the pecan pie a la mode is served, but you also don’t have anything else to do besides watch “A Christmas Story” again with your cousins. Alternatively, you can enjoy your dessert in the bedroom, using your partner’s body as a plate or something fun like that.
3. Moderate your booze intake. Family dinners may drive us to drink but whiskey dick and wine vagina do not for a good fuck make. If after dinner sex is what you desire, you’re going to have to stay sober-ish. Sowwwy.
4. Doggie style is absolutely out of the question. Think about it. That’s the position you get in when you’re about to hurl. If you’ve just eaten three pounds of stuffing and two pounds of mashed potatoes, you don’t want to put your body in a vomit-friendly position while having your intestinal area pounded. Try woman on top or both on your sides, so you can lay down. Whatever position you attempt, GO SLOW. Sudden thrusting against your abdominal cavity is not going to feel friendly.
5. Skip the intercourse altogether. You don’t need to have intercourse to have fun sex. Take turns using your mouth or fingers or sex toys if your mouth is too tired from chewing or your hands too exhausted from cutting meat.
6. Don’t let him cum in your mouth. If you do have it in you to put a dick in your mouth after all that turkey, avoid man gravy. You already had your allotted amount of protein for the week. An additional mouthful is going to make you sick.
7. Keep a glass ginger ale by the bed. And in the event that you do find yourself feeling ill during your post-dinner sex session, keep ginger ale or Pepto-Bismol right by the bed so you don’t have to roll your full ass out of the bedroom for any reason whatsoever.
8. Camouflage your food baby. Maybe you’re the “food baby and proud” type. If so, that is lovely. Work it. If you’re protruding belly is making you feel like an unsexy sloth, feel free to fuck with your T-shirt on, or the lights off.
9. Avoid all anal play. I don’t think I need to explain why butt stuff is not the best idea. Do all the butt stuff you want, just wait until tomorrow when your digestive system isn’t in a state of emergency.
10. Be prepared to laugh. Look, the truth is that if you attempt to have sex after a huge ass meal, you’ll probably fart. Or burp. Or vomit. Things might get messy. You might be too tired to bring it home. But ain’t no thing. Sex should be fun. So, if you go into post-Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner sex with low expectations and a sense of humor, you’ll have a much better time.