Sort Of Surprising Things All Men Do (According To Reddit Users)

Oh, MEN!

Listen, I am a professional who writes about dating and men and sex on the internet, and I’ve been around the block once or twice or 25 times on top of that, so I am clearly not naive to the many things men do that are … Odd. Interesting. Gross. They cup their balls like Al Bundy. They measure their dicks. They do the mangina. Bravo. Yawn. So that’s why it came as such a surprise that the extensive chain of replies to a thread on Reddit asking “What are some things you are sure all guys do or have done?” actually managed to produce shock and awe. And plenty of those WTF things appeared in the replies multiple times indicating — statistically! — that, yes, men in general (with some exceptions of course) actually do them with regularity. (And most of them have something to do with their dicks. Which is not shocking.) So, without further ado, here are the things every man does…

…ON THE TOILET:

“Pretend stream of piss is a power washer for removing the hard to get stains from the toilet.”

“Like most people, I pee in the shower. Unlike most people, I hold my penis upwards when I do it sometimes. It makes a really cool fountain.”

“Use pee stream to clean toilet bowl.”

“Tried to spit directly into your stream while pissing.”

“Flush mid piss and race the toilet.”

“I am quite confident that all men with a bathroom scale weigh themselves before and after they poop to see how much it weighed.”

“When taking a piss make a circle with your fingers around the stream and try to make sure you don’t get on your hand.”

“Take off all clothes to shit.”

“Take an epic dump so intense that you had to remove your shirt because it got so hot.”

“Saw a turd in half with super-power piss-stream.”

…WITH THEIR BALLS:

“When your balls get stuck to your thighs in a public place, you open your legs as wide as possible without looking like a freak and let the balls slowly unstick. Best feeling.”

“After you took a piss and a lil ballsack meat is stuck between your boxers and you just lift your leg like a dog who’s about to pee.”

“Do a little leg kick mid walk in an attempt to unstick your balls from your leg.”

“Sit there and watch your ball sack move in and out by itself like some weird alien being. I can sit there and stare at it fluctuate for hours.”

“I find that when sniffing my fingers after scratching my balls I have three reactions: 1) Hmm… no smell. Interesting. 2) Yep… that’s some good ball smell right there. 3) Oh dear god why?”

…IN THEIR FANTASIES:

“When I’m in the shower, I day dream about criminals breaking into my home to harm my family and how I would be a hero and fucking kill all the bad guys. I’m an adult man and have been doing this since forever.”

“Fantasize of the scenario of how you’d stylishly disarm, ninja-fight, and incapacitate the crazy gunman that just took over your office/classroom/crowded place, while everyone watches and all the women visibly swoon over your manliness.”

“Imagine how you would save your work place, school or whatever from terrorists, DieHard style!”

“Thought about how you could save the day if a gunman came into your classroom.”

…WHILE WATCHING PORN:

“Tried to find porn that looks like girl that you know.”

“Spend more time trying to find the ‘right’ porn than actually masturbating.”

“Watched porn and then immediately regretted what you jerked off to after you finished. No, she wasn’t that hot, but she was naked and that is all that mattered at the time.”

“Find the most amazing porn video ever, cum so fast motherfuckas wanna fine you, “Nah, I don’t need to bookmark it. OHGODWHYDIDNTIBOOKMARKITWHEREISIT FUCK.”

…WITH THEIR DICKS:

“Pushed my dick head down into the shaft skin like a turtle head going in. Continue till it’s gone! Watch it awesomely ‘grow’ back.”

“Lie down in a halfway full bathtub and imagine your dick is a palm tree on a tropical island. It just looks so peaceful and happy. Later it becomes a grassy island!”

“Pretended the peehole was a mouth and using it like a ventriloquist doll.”

“I like to spread my legs whilst naked and swing my balls left and right.. i pretend I’m a grandfather clock and yell “BING BONG BING BONG.. BONG BONG BING BANG.”

“I don’t know about anyone else but I roll my penis into itself via foreskin. Its like it ate itself into a different dimension.”

“When semi erect you put it between your legs, tense up and then let it slap against your belly. I don’t know if this makes it any bigger, but damn is it fun.”

“Gotten an erection and hung a towel/hat on it.”

“There have been multiple instances where I have been half-asleep and suddenly realized that I’ve been lightly humping my bed for the past 10-20 minutes. Instincts man, they can be both good and bad.”

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