An Open Letter To My Period On The Occasion Of Coming Early
Dear My Period On The Occasion Of Coming Early,
You’ve been arriving like clockwork for 15 years. I was never a woman that had a problem with you coming a few days late. You always showed the telltale signs: I’d feel bloated, I’d want to eat junk, and I’d be weepy. But I didn’t put the pieces together last week, when the following incidents occurred:
- All I wanted to listen to on Spotify were Disney songs.
- I only wanted to eat potato chips and onion dip for dinner on Wednesday night …
- … and then I randomly got super-horny afterwards.
- On Thursday, I started crying in the office, which I have never, ever done before …
- … and then I felt so bloated and puffy in my stockings that Ami had to snip the elastic on top for me.
But Friday morning when I woke up and saw you ruined a pair of panties in the night, I finally understood: you came early. YOU BASTARD.
You were supposed to come, at the earliest, today, Monday. Usually, though, you would come on Wednesday. But instead you arrived on the Friday before you were due. I have to tell you that I do not appreciate this behavior.
You understand that this is why I’m on the Pill, right? For one thing, contraception works better at keeping me not-pregnant than saying “nobabiesnobabiesnobabies” after sex. But also, on the Pill’s schedule I am aware of precisely the date that blubbering cry sessions will bubble up. I know when I become consumed with self-disdain, it’s just my lady-hormones having their way with me.
Was it something I said? Something I did? Did my roommate’s cycle throw you off? Did my co-worker’s cycle throw you off? Did you just brazenly decide “Oh, Jess has been in a great mood lately, I am going to randomly make her feel like a fat puffy heifer, eat all of the chocolate and wear all of the sweatpants”? Well, good job. That’s what happened.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to listening to the rest of “The Little Mermaid” soundtrack and polish off the rest of those peanut butter chocolate chip cookies that I got at the deli.