An Inner Monologue For Every At-Home Manicure I’ve Ever Done

The scene: 8:30 p.m pretty much every Tuesday, my living room.

Alright, I’ve got my glass of wine poured, yoga pants on, “Parks & Rec” cued up on Netflix, and a brand new bottle of oxblood nail polish. Oxblood is so in right now. Obviously. I’m pampering myself and saving money in the process! My life is awesome. Maybe when I’m done I’ll take a picture of my perfectly manicured hand holding the bottle of oxblood nail polish and post it on Pinterest. Yes, I will definitely do that.

I think I’m supposed to file my nails first but that seems like a lot of work. Let’s just get this party started with the left thumbnail. Three swipes of polish, boom, done. Flawless, as per usual. God, why would I ever go to a nail salon for a $15 manicure when I am so good at this? I mean, I could open my own nail salon. Maybe I will. It will be called something hilarious like “Nailed It!” Heh. Nailed it.

Index finger next, a little shakier but still a solid paint job. Three more fingers to go aaaaaaannnd yep, left hand is done. I’ll need to do a few touch ups, but overall, a strong showing. Nail salon ownership dreams are still on track. Pinterest photo plans are still a go. Five-thousand repins, here I come!

OK, deep breath, time to tackle the right hand. I’m on a roll. I got this. Just gonna take it slow and–GAH. That wasn’t even close to the nail! There’s oxblood all over on my knuckles! What have I done?! IT LOOKS LIKE I MURDERED AN OX. Steady, steady now…just need to even it out…nope, that made it worse. Would it be pathetic to cry over spilled nail polish? I think it would be. At least it’s not milk.

How have I made it this far in life with absolutely no fine motor skills or control over my left hand? How have I kept a job? How have I maintained meaningful relationships? This is ridiculous. I might as well just dip my hand in the jar of nail polish. Maybe I should just dip my hand in the jar of nail polish. Would that be a more efficient strategy?

Hmm…apparently not.

Pinterest must never know about this.