It seems like every day another Republican politician is bloviating about the definition of rape as if he, a middle-aged man, is the true authority on the subject. As Tina Fey said so perfectly in her speech at the Center for Reproductive Rights, “If I have to listen to one more grey-faced man with a $2 haircut explain to me what rape is, I’m going to lose my mind.” I mean, we currently live in a culture where a chart is required to keep track of which male politicians claim rape cannot cause pregnancy and which ones believe it is simply part of God’s comprehensive plan to inflict devastating sexual violence on women and populate the earth with the fruits of their rapists’ loins.
Instead of patiently explaining to these men why they have no reason, no right, and no qualifications to mansplain these serious issues to me, I’m going to take a page from their playbook and blindly, confidently, and erroneously explain a few things to them. Because obviously, as a 27-year-old woman, I am an expert on the following things…
1. Getting kicked in the balls. The good news? If it’s really a legitimate kick, your scrotum will deploy a steel barrier to protect your tender testicles from harm.
2. Male pattern baldness. I’ve talked to some doctors, and by “some doctors” I mean one doctor, who is actually my friend from college whose nickname is “Doctor” because he did a work study at a botany lab and stole the lab coat to wear at parties, and he assured me that if you start to go bald, the body has ways of regrowing hair. And if not? Well, on some level you probably wanted to go bald.
3. Prostate exams. I’ve never had a doctor lean me over and stick a finger in my rectum, but I can assure you it feels like getting fingered by God Himself. Delightful! Oh, and when the results come back positive for life-threatening cancer and you can’t afford the treatment that will save your life? That’s God’s will too.
4. Premature ejaculation. Wait, are people complaining about this? As far as I can see, it’s just another method of conception. A quick, messy, awkward method of conception. Don’t you dare wash those sheets–there are literally millions of babies swimming around in that sticky puddle of life you just produced!
5. Blue balls. “Blue balls” is a term for when your balls suddenly turn a vibrant shade of blue because you voted to overturn Roe v. Wade on the same day you forced your mistress to get an abortion. At least that’s what I’ve heard.
6. Jock itch. Chill, dude. God’s plan itches sometimes.
7. Erectile dysfunction. Can’t get it up, huh? Well, I hate to tell you, but that embarrassing wad of putty in your pants is totally your fault. I mean, what were you wearing when you tried to get a boner? Was it something un-sexy? What actions did you take to turn yourself into such a likely target for erectile dysfunction? To teach you a lesson, I am outlawing Viagra.
If you agree with my positions, please consider voting for me in the upcoming election! I promise to never let my views be compromised by facts, science, or the voices of millions of men telling me I am dead wrong.
God bless America.