Sexually, I am neither conservative nor incredibly kinky. I like to think of myself as an open-minded chick who will try almost anything once. I don’t know what you all are doing in the bedroom, but I’m going to assume, based on conversations with friends, and the occasional reading of Dan Savage’s column, that I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum when it comes to sexual experimentation. Even though I’m down to try new things, sometimes, I surprise myself with what sexual territory I’m willing to venture into, given the right circumstances. After the jump, a few things I never expected to try in the bedroom and enjoy.
1. Licking asshole. One time, I was hooking up with a guy and I thought he was going to go down on me, but he ambushed me and started eating my butt. I was repulsed. I pulled his face out of my butt immediately. Other guys had put fingers/vibrators/dicks in my ass before. But a tongue? The thought is about as appealing as making out with a toilet bowl. Whenever I thought of this ass eating incident I cringed. Whenever I thought of ass eating in general, I cringed. I decided that ass licking is the number one worst thing that can happen in bed. So, you can imagine how taken aback I was when I found MY tongue on someone’s asshole. I was blowing my boyfriend and he asked me to lick his asshole. I shrugged and stuck my tongue in there. Liked it, too. I take it back. Ass licking is not so bad.
2. Romantic butt sex. I’ve done the anal sex thing a few times. All times I’ve found it incredibly uncomfortable. Hated it, in fact. It made me feel like I was going to shit myself. Until I discovered that it can be romantic. I know, you don’t believe romantic anal sex exists. I didn’t either. Instead of being on my stomach, face shoved down in the pillow, unable to breath, the guy put my on my side and held me as we did it. It was one of the most romantic sexual experiences ever had. Never thought I’d say that.
3. An erotic threesome massage. I’m not into the threesome thing at all. Well, maybe two straight guys and me, but I’m aware that’s a unicorn fantasy. Other than that, I don’t want anyone else in the bedroom. I’m one of those women who’s never made out with a girl and never wants to. It’s just not gonna happen. Well, never say never, but it’s highly unlikely. One time in college, I was hanging out with a girl friend and we got stoned with a hot guy in his dorm room and he gave us both massages that turned kind of weird and erotic. I think there were clothes removed. And I think I jerked him off? All of this happened while my friend was in the room. So, that was odd. But also, fun.
4. Receiving a facial while shackled in chains. I had a boyfriend a while back who asked me if he could come on my face. I said sure because … why not? We did it in the shower and the second the water hit my face, his spuge turned to glue. It was gross and difficult to wash off and I decided I never wanted to do it again. Until, years later, a guy I was dating tied me up in chains. None of this silk scarves bullshit. These were like tire chains. While I was tied up he asked if he could come on my face. I was like YESSSS. This time, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
5. Being videotaped while having sex. I’m the super-paranoid-about-naked-pictures type. If I send them, my face is never showing. If I receive them, I erase them immediately, knowing if I left them on my phone, somehow, my grandmother would find them. I made a strict no sex video pact with myself, as well. But then one day I was having sex with a boyfriend and he whipped out his phone and pointed it at us. I nodded, well, more like moaned and nodded (he asked me at the right moment), and he made a video of us banging and then we watched it together. It was actually pretty hot. And, me, super paranoid person, let him keep it on his phone. It’s strange to say this, but I was proud of it. Let’s just hope I never get famous and he tries to extort me.