Halloween parties are a special breed of social gathering. Everyone’s wearing costumes, which makes the whole thing much more exciting (and confusing), plus there’s usually copious amounts of spiked punch to be consumed, “Monster Mash” dancing to do, and cheesy pickup lines to be attempted. Overall, it’s one of the most unpredictable nights of the year. One thing you can always count on, though, is that you’ll meet these nine people on the Halloween party circuit…
1. The guy who’s not dressed up and really wants to tell you why. He’s mingling through the sea of costumes wearing jeans and a hoodie and a smirk on his face, waiting for people to ask, “Why aren’t you dressed up?” so he can use his clever line. “I’m a serial killer,” he’ll say. “We look just like regular people.” Har, har.
2. The person whose costume severely restricts their ability to move. Whether it’s a too-tight hot cop uniform or a leg-binding mermaid tail, October 31st is the best day of the year for those of us who enjoy watching people waddle around uncomfortably.
3. The person in the “too soon!” costume. I remember back when Steve Irwin died, I went out for Halloween a month later and saw no less than three dudes dressed up in his signature khaki outfit, one of them with a stingray stuck to his chest. Classy, huh? Not sure what the “too soon” costume of this year will be, although whoever bought this James Holmes mask has sprinted past “too soon” into “PLEASE GOD NEVER” territory.
4. The “Sexy _______.” Most adult Halloween parties are overflowing with random costumes that have been sexed up using fishnets, stilettos, and as little fabric as possible. Chances are you’ll meet a sexy watermelon, a sexy spider, and a sexy Strom Thurmond before you even make it to the punch bowl.
5. The person who obviously hates Halloween. Their significant other dragged them along for the night, but they’d rather be anywhere else. You’ll find them in the corner sipping jungle juice and growling “I’m Abe Lincoln, damnit” whenever anyone asks about the plastic top hat that keeps sliding off their head.
6. The guy who is wearing a dress and a women’s wig and thinks it’s the funniest costume in history. This guy is the worst.
7. The person who made every single part of their costume. Like, every single part. They carved the wand and handsewed the lace in their fairy wings, for God’s sake! Stand next to these people for a few seconds and suddenly your Party City packaged costume looks very much like, well, a Party City packaged costume.
8. The person who approaches Halloween as a method actor. They’re not satisfied to simply slip on a white dress and red lipstick–they will become Marilyn Monroe, speaking in a flirty whisper throughout the night, attempting to seduce people in presidential costumes, and possibly dabbling in substance abuse.
9. The person who got drunk and took off all the identifying parts of their costume. Now they’re just wearing a brown leotard and novelty teeth and muttering about how much they love everyone. Very unsettling.