Calm Down, Everyone! Justin Bieber Naked Photos Have Not Leaked … Yet

Good evening. Moments ago, Ami texted to alert me to a rumor she heard about Justin Bieber naked pics leaking onto the internet today. Sighing, I turned off the burners on my stove. Dinner can wait, I thought. I must get to the bottom of this immediately! So, I did some Googling and here is what I’ve found out…

Justin Bieber’s laptop and camera were stolen while he was performing in Tacoma, Washington, this week. He is very upset about this because the stolen items contained “personal footage.” Oh Biebs, you tease! Naturally, everyone is like, OMG SEX TAPE NAKED PHOTOS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! (Or, alternatively: PLEASE GOD NO!!!) However, my exhaustive research — which included five minutes of clicking through Tumblr’s horrifying array of photos featuring Bieber’s head Photoshopped into extremely graphic gay porn scenes — reveals that any nude photos of Bieber (which we have no reason to believe actually exist) have not actually leaked onto the internet.

There is one photo — featuring a naked man clutching an uncircumcised wang — that is making the rounds on Twitter right now that is being touted as this newly leaked Justin Bieber naked photo. However! A) The head is cropped out so there’s no way of identifying it as him and B) I found that same photo on a Tumblr blog post from 10 months ago. So, not new. And probably not Bieber.

Now that we’re clear, I’m going to go make some kale. G’night!