An Open (Somewhat Creepy) Letter To “Nashville”‘s Connie Britton

Dear Tami Taylor, I mean Mrs. Coach, I mean Connie Britton,

Well, I guess I should start by apologizing. I’m sorry for always calling you by the name of a character you played on a TV show that has been sadly off the air for over a year. You are Connie Britton, you are not Tami Taylor, wife of Coach Eric Taylor, mother to Julie Taylor and that kind of funny looking baby, and guidance counselor/principal to hundreds of teenagers in Dillon, Texas. (My therapist told me I should repeat this to myself as often as necessary, until it sticks.) It’s hard to separate you from Tami because Tami is the awesomest and you were so awesome at playing her that sometimes I forget the show was fiction, not a documentary about a place where the world revolves around high school football and a tall drink of sensitive man water named Tim Riggins. Is it okay, though, that I still ask myself, when I’m in a pickle, “What would Tami Taylor do?” I hope so. You, I mean she is so helpful!

So with that apology out of the way, I just want to tell you, Connie Britton, on the eve of your new ABC show “Nashville,” that I love you. Like, I wish you were my best friend, older sister, and first lesbian experience wrapped up in one person, which is really confusing and sort of weird, and it’s further complicated by the fact that I want to be you too. Don’t run away. Stay with me here.

By the way, you are so pretty! I’m sure people have told you that, but let me just reiterate because it cannot possibly be said enough. I really love your hair. I imagine that it smells and feels like warm caramel. It is just so lush and bouncy and the way the waves in front frame your face is just, like … wow. Who does your hair? God himself, I assume. (He must have been on vacation the day of the Emmy Awards, because whoever subbed for him should be ashamed.) Don’t ever let the producers of any show or movie try and pull a “Felicity” on you, Connie. Stab them with their own scissors if necessary. I’m sure a judge would understand. I know I would and I would break you out of jail and we could go on the run together!

Another thing I love about you is that you, as a single woman, adopted a child on your own because, dammit, you weren’t going to let anything stand in the way of your becoming a mother. This inspires me. I want a child of my own someday and, if it comes down to it, I’m going to have one, whether I’m in a relationship or not. I bet your son Eyob would really get along with my (as yet unborn) daughter Vivien Tami Rayna. Maybe we could start a single ladies with cute babies commune together, where single mothers can come to live and support each other? (BTW, I hope you don’t mind that I’ve named her after three of your characters.) I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just something to think about. I’m such a planner!

Mostly I really like you because you’re such a good actress and you’ve made me care about each of your characters so much. I can’t wait to see whether that holds true for “Nashville,” but who I am kidding, I’m already obsessed. I haven’t even seen one episode and I already hate Hayden Panettiere, I mean her character Juliette Barnes. Who the hell does she think she is, trying to steal your crown as country music’s queen?! I will cut that bitch, you just tell me when.

Anyhow, I should probably sign off on this letter. I need to go take my meds. Good luck tonight and love you forever!

Your #1 Fan,
Amelia McDonell-Parry

P.S. I loved your work on “Spin City” too. (Thanks to commenter Lemon for reminding me!)