Girl Talk: On Straight Men And Anal Play

In a recent Vice article, straight man, Dave Schilling, called anal sex “the first stop on the Save My Relationship World Tour.” And he’s not just talking about giving, he’s talking about receiving as well:

“On more than one occasion, a woman has asked me if I wanted to do ‘butt stuff’ when it became clear that coitus wasn’t cutting it anymore. Assplay is a logical next step in a male/female sexual relationship. It’s taboo; it’s still kind of like standard heterosexual fucking since it’s also about putting something inside a hole and most importantly, the difficulty level is high … Sometimes, when all hope seems to be lost and the world is shrouded in darkness, my female sexual partner will ask to give rather than receive.”

Shilling goes on to talk about being on the receiving end of fingering, ass licking, random object insertion, pegging (which is when a woman fucks a man with a strap-on dildo) and, the mother load, having another man fuck him in the ass while his lady watches.

Although Shilling doesn’t seem to be particularly excited or turned on about engaging in any of these acts — actually, I get the impression he’s never been pegged or had anal sex with another man — I appreciate that he’s willing to discuss the topic of straight men and anal play. Because he’s suggesting a new way to look at assplay — not as this thing that only gay men (or closeted gay men) enjoy, but as the next frontier for heterosexual couples who are looking to expand their repertoire.

I would take that a bit further and and say that anal play is the next frontier in bedroom equality. I’ll explain what I mean by that in a moment. But first: confession time. I have a little bit of a pegging fantasy. I’ve never actually tried it (and I’m not sure yet if I want to or if it’s just a fantasy), but I use the suggestion as a litmus test for my sexual partners. I tell them I’d like to fuck them up the ass with a strap-on and then I just wait and see how they respond. The younger, less experienced men tend to respond with an immediate, “Hell no.” The wiser, more experienced tend to be more open, although not thrilled by the idea. There was one man who genuinely liked the idea and one who good-naturedly agreed. “Well, I guess it’s only fair,” he replied with a smile. He’s my current S.O, for a number of reasons, but partially because I liked his answer.

I don’t know if the act of pegging or any anal play with a man turns me on as much as his willingness to try it. Getting back to my definition of bedroom equality, I should tell you that I have received all the above mentioned acts, but only ever given a finger in the ass. I find this disheartening because the anus is an equal opportunity employer. Aside from the whole “assplay makes you gay” taboo, which is just stupid, why is it any more fair for me to endure the fear and/or discomfort of a taking a dick in my ass? It’s not. Smart men know that you get what you give. Chances are, in my experience, he wants to get up in my asshole. If that’s the case, it’s only sexually egalitarian for him to be willing to let me get up in his.

Equal asshole vulnerability. That’s what I stand for! It’s a concept I like in theory, I’m not entirely sure yet how it works in practice. Although, my Utopian dream is that this bedroom equality translates to the rest of the relationship. We can take turns taking out the trash, washing dishes, and planning dates. For now, my boyfriend and I have fingered each other’s assholes and if he wants to do more (which I know he does), he’ll have to bend over and spread ‘em too.