“Couples Therapy” Is Where D-List Celeb Couples Go To Die, I Mean, Cry

What do you do if you’re a D-list celebrity couple whose union is on the brink of collapse under the glare of the spotlight? Why, you agree to hash out your disagreements in the presence of other D-list celebrity couples also on the brink of collapse on VH1’s new show “Couples Therapy,” of course! Among the couples who have moved into the “Couples Therapy” house is Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, married for just over a year, whose troubles have nothing to do with their 35-year age difference, but her insistence on dressing provocatively and reveling in the attention it brings them. Look, I know I have to suspend my disbelief for a show like this, because reality TV is never completely real, but I am just not buying Courtney and Doug’s strife. I mean, he willingly dresses up as pervy Santa Claus to her slutty Mrs. Claus in Christmas-themed photoshoots. Anyway, putting aside the fact that they each obviously need therapy for their own separate issues not couples therapy (because they shouldn’t be a couple, I mean, right?), I’m glad they’re on this show if only because I can’t get enough of Courtney Stodden. Sometimes I feel like if I just stare long and hard enough, I will understand her.

Another couple in the house is Shayne Lamas (daughter of Lorenzo, former fiancee of the British “Bachelor,” Matt Grant), who is married to Nik Richie, this gross douche who runs a gossip blog called The Dirty. Nik recognized Courtney right away because she, apparently, is always submitting photos of herself to his site. But also, she’s Courtney Stodden. Everyone knows who she is, unless you are my mom. Anyway, Shayne doesn’t like that Courtney and Doug are on the show because she doesn’t think they’re interested in really being honest during the process, but Courtney assures her they are there to be “ril” which is like “real” only spelled different. Nik, however, is a horrid asshole and leads the charge in being really judgey about Doug and Courtney’s age difference, which, like, I get but it’s also not really his business? Nik finds an excuse to call Courtney “trash,” which Doug does not take kindly too. I hate Nik because he’s one of those schmucks who makes money off of what he considers “trash,” and really, what’s trashier than that?

The show also features Jo-Jo from Jodeci and his wife, who is not famous, so by extension, they are 50 percent less interesting. Sorry, Jo-Jo, just trying to be “ril” with you.