How To Lose Friends And Alienate People

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Do you find that you have just too much support? That people like you too much? That you’re just up to your eyelashes in friendships? Me too, comrade! Here’s how to destroy all of that.

It’s really important to pick fights with your friends. If there’s something that isn’t a big deal, it’s your job to make it as big a deal as possible. If they don’t see your point of view, it’s because they’re selfish idiots. You, by default of being you, will always be correct. Don’t put up with their guff. Storm out of the room.

Force all of your guy friends to be in relationships with you. If you share a drunken kiss one night with an old college buddy, you need to hound him to give you children. That’s just the next step. If he refuses, storm out of his car.

Or, hang out with your best guy friend and demand to know why he won’t fuck you. Don’t listen to his explanations. Maybe they’re valid, and maybe they have nothing to do with you. Maybe it’s not about you at all. Just kidding — of course it’s about you, because everything always is. Try to be as irrational as possible. Then storm off into your room, crying.

Realize that you have completely fucked yourself over, because not only have you lost a friend, but you’ve lost all chance of anything ever happening between you two because you got drunk and sexted him as you fell asleep, which is actually really impressive, but is also horrible. Take an entire day to torture yourself over this, you, the grandest off asshats, so great of an asshat are you, that you are trimmed in velvet and jaunty peacock feathers. He doesn’t want you anyway. You’re not his type. You’re not like the others. They were high heels, and you wear sneakers. They’re cheer captains, and you’re on the bleachers.

Fuck bleachers.

Close yourself off to every possibility.

Be so fiercely sarcastic that it actually changes the temperature in the room.

Hang up on your parents when they call you.

Don’t call your grandma.

Congratulations! You did it! You are now alone. Time to order Thai food.

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