The good news is “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” has been picked up for another season! WOOT! And the bad news is … well, you know the bad news. The season is over and now I have nothing to look forward to on Wednesday nights. I’m almost too sad to write about the “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” finale, but I will buck up because Alana would want me to. As always there were too many precious moments for me to cover them all. With a heavy heart, I bring you my favorite nuggets from last night’s finale. TEARDROP.
Let’s start with Alana modeling her new swimwear for the Beach Beauties in Brunswick pageant, shall we? I love that her “swimwear” is something an 80-year-old woman would wear to sunbathe on the porch of old folks home. But Alana thinks it’s AWESOME even though it makes her “look like a blueberry” and she WERKS the shit out of it like the budding gay icon she is.
Choo choo! The biscuit express has a special delivery. Baby Kaitlyn is finally here and she showed up with a little sumpen extra … two right thumbs. June attributes it to her being highly evolved, Pumpkin thinks it’s weird and Alana wishes she had an extra finger so she could grab more cheeseballs. WORD, Alana. I feel you, girl. Chubbs doesn’t waste any time embracing Kaitlyn’s birth defect and invents the “high six” (which is a high five for a baby with two right thumbs). But the big question on everyone’s mind is what does the baby smell like? Baby Kaitlyn brings out the goodness Pumpkin, which surprises everyone, most of all Pumpkin. So, to Auntie Poo Poo, Kaitlyn smells like new baby. Chubbs thinks she smells bad, not like raunchy biscuit bad, like formula smelling bad. I’m going to leave that one alone. Alana, who wasn’t old enough to visit Kaitlyn in the hospital, can only imagine what she’ll smell like — sunshine and happiness … or poop.
I’ve included this next clip for selfish reasons: A) Because I’m obsessed with Alana saying, “Baby Kaitlyn is so tiny I POOP BIGGER.” and B) Because I believe this strengthens my dislike campaign against cats. I do not ever want to see a possessed cat go butt crazy again for as long as I live. Thank you.
Please note that baby Kaitlyn is adapting to her two right thumbs. She gets the little thumb in her mouth and then puts the big thumb on the outside while she’s sucking the little one. But the best thing about baby Kaitlyn is that she inherited Grandma June’s sneezes. Wait. Pause. June is a grandma and she’s the same age as me. My head just exploded again. OK, back to the show. June’s (or Gi Gi as she calls herself) goal is to get to where her and Kaitlyn are sneezing at the same time. Oh, the hopes and dreams we have for a newborn. It’s sweet. Like them or love them, those Boo Boos are one-of-a-kind. We don’t know yet if Kaitlyn got the farting a lot gene, but as Alana so wisely observes, “If she gets gassy she’s one of the family.”
Shh! It’s a poodle! That’s Uncle Poodle to you. He’s Sugar Bear’s younger brother and yes, he’s gay, but ain’t nothing wrong with being a little gay, everybody is a little gay! And with that, Alana earns herself a gig as next year’s Grand Marshall at the Pride Parade. Anyhow, Uncle Poodle is visiting to give Alana a little sass for her upcoming pageant. He’s never done drag, but he has some fruit in his tank, so he’s the right man for the job. Shit, he can do a cartwheel in boots. WERK, Poodle. But Lee (that’s his real name) is not all Poodle all the time, he’s also a rebelchious uncle (a rebel belcher?), so he can’t resist whooping Pumpkin’s ass in a grass fight.
Wrapping it up here. Alana summons up all her chicken nugget power and delivers sass on a stick at the pageant. This doesn’t earn her a crown from the judges, it earns her the People’s Choice Award, which, in my opinion, is a far higher honor. It also earns her a special surprise: a reunion with Glitzy the pig. Squishes, bows, butterflies and hearts.
That’s all until next season. God, I’m really depressed.
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