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17 Things That Will Absolutely Destroy Your Morning

Train Barf
Some guy puked on Jessica on the subway. Read More »
Open Letter: Pigeon
Ami has something to say to the pigeon who pooped on her head. Read More »
What grosses you out?
Don't get me started on hairs in my food... Read More »
Let's Complain!

Hello, there. Full disclosure. This post is a thinly veiled excuse for me to complain about my really bad morning. I could have used an open letter format. Had I, it might have been titled “An Open Letter To The Broken Refrigerator That Ruined My Morning.” I would have ranted about my broken refrigerator and all the rotten food I had to discard. And how the delivery men destroyed my apartment getting the new fridge in/old fridge out. And how my landlord stopped by in the middle of the fridge chaos to tell me that I might have a gas leak and that he is raising the rent (all in the same sentence, mind you). I might have gone on to complain about how I spent a good portion of the morning cleaning melt-y, frozen, chicken juice off my hopelessly outdated linoleum floor.

But then I thought about how Jessica got barfed on while riding the subway yesterday and how comparatively, her morning mishap was worse than mine. And then I thought about all of you out there who’ve also probably had really unfortunate stuff happen to you in the morning and how you might feel better if we could all commiserate about it together. And then I determined that a listicle of awful morning shit was in order. For all of our cathartic pleasures, find below, a compilation of crap that will absolutely obliterate your morning (based on things that have really happened to us).

1. A broken refrigerator. Please see my missive above. Only thing I should add is that my kitchen currently smells like curdled milk.

2. Getting barfed on on the subway. See Jess’ story from yesterday. Poor Jess.

3. Having a pigeon shit on your head on the way into the office. See my open letter dated June 26, 2012.  Poor me.

4. Breaking a high heel or a boot in the middle of winter. The first one is just ridiculous, the second is hazardous to your health. When all the snow starts rushing into your shoe and you have snow foot for the rest of the day and then you have to go barefoot in the middle of winter while your socks dry on your boss’ radiator and you try to figure out what you are going to wear home … that just fucks the whole day up.

5. Getting pushed, yelled at or physically assaulted by a morning commuter. I asked her what she was so angry about and she knocked my coffee out of my hands. Which leads me to…

6. Spilling coffee on yourself. (Or having it spilled on you by an enraged morning commuter). But ugh, yeah, having on an awesome outfit that you’re stoked to be wearing and then spilling on yourself is THE WORST.

7. Cab thievery! In NYC it’s a crime of the highest rage-inducing order especially if you are late for work. One time I saw Julie almost knock a bitch out for it. Warning: DO NOT fuck with Julie’s cab. Or Amelia’s. You’ll be sorry.

8. Stepping in cold cat/dog barf on the floor. I do not have pets, but growing up, I had a dog and her barf looked like piles of cookie dough. And once I stepped it and cried.

9. Poking yourself in the eye while putting on a contact. This happened to Jess and she was out of work for three days.

10. Running out of coffee. If you mainline caffeine like Rachel and I do, having to leave the house without caffeine is like having to walk outside naked. It’s something you have anxiety dreams about.

11. Accidentally getting in the “smelly puke/homeless person” car on the subway. Or the “snake-in-a-bag pan handler” dude (YES really! A live snake in a BAG), the man with the leg infection, or that woman who allegedly has tuberculosis and coughs on everyone. I have never had the misfortune of sharing a subway car with her, but Jess has.

12. Realizing that you’re in the negative in your bank account and have to operate on credit for the day. Or until you get paid, which can be days away. And you have to eat Ramen or bologna sandwiches for lunch.

13. Realizing that your cell phone is missing/stolen. It’s almost as bad as having to leave the house without caffeine. Actually, objectively its worse. But I am very addicted to both caffeine and my iPhone. So, my life would be equally destroyed.

14. A first-thing-in-the-morning fight. There’s never a good time to fight with your boo or your family or your roommate, but right when you wake up is like, the absolute worst. And it’s always about something stupid, right?

15. Realizing your alarm didn’t go off. That frantic moment when you see what time it is and you’re going to be mega-late is SO STRESSFUL

16. Menstrual explosions. You were already in a bad mood because you had your period. This is just the cherry (bad word choice?) on the sundae.

17. Waking up to some yucky physical ailment. A migraine, twitchy eye, food poisoning, bloated face … you pretty much know whatever you had planned for the rest of the day is a distant dream.

I feel so much better now. You should try it. I implore you to share your morning mishaps in the comments.

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