I forbid you to talk about how next week is the finale of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” No, we are NOT going to discuss it. I am still working on my post-”Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” contingency plan and until then, I am choosing to remain in denial. Let’s talk about last night’s episode, the theme of which, I’ve decided, was FACE. Everyone was giving it. Mostly not on purpose. There was also plenty of farting and snot. Obviously. Some of my favorite moments after the jump.
Bless June’s heart, she wants to do Alana’s pageant makeup to save some money, but the woman is as blind as a bat. Alana emerges from the makeup chair looking like she just got off her street walkin’ shift and someone squished a marshmallow on her face. But not before showing us what a supermodel looks like. Kind of like a spastic fish?
You might not know it by looking at her, but June plays two sports, people. Not only is she an extreme couponer, but she’s also a BINGOER! The most important thing about being a competitive BINGOER is having a mean BINGO face to intimidate all the old folks. And June’s BINGO face is nasty, albeit involuntary. She can’t see a goddamn thing. The woman needs a pair of glasses so she can be a better makeup artist and more competitive BINGOER. Amelia has suggested we take up a fund here at The Frisky to buy June some glasses. I think it’s a wonderful idea. Let us know if you want to donate. But before we leave the BINGO hall, I would like to call your attention to Pumpkin in this clip. Specifically the part where she puts tape on her nose. I heart Pumpkin.
Even though the Boo Boos don’t win big at BINGO (they do win at sneezing though!), Alana knows that more important than winning is being on your “A” game every day. And being able to spell the word B-I-N-G-….O.
FACE. And more FACE when Alana looks at herself in the mirror. Just watch this little bird give FACE. RuPaul would be so proud. When is their duet happening, by the way? I need it to happen soon. Also, I see me eatin’ food when I look in the mirror too. I always see me eatin’ food.
And speaking of eatin’ food, Ms. Georgia 2011, Michaela Lackey, has no idea what she’s gettin’ into going for cake with Ms. Honey Boo Boo. Alana talks with her mouth full, farts at the table and announces it, and waxes poetic on whether or not Ms. Georgia farts herself. (Alana concludes that she does not.) Alana’s reward for the honor of Ms. Georgia 2011′s company is a signed picture of Ms. Georgia 2011 herself. Oh really? That’s you? It looks nothing like you! OMG! Thanks! You shouldn’t have!!!!!
And finally … Alana’s 7th birthday party. Her sisters have no money, but they want to give her a birthday gift “from the heart,” so they hit up June’s couponing hoard and gank some cereal, soap and a giant bottle of hot sauce and wrap it all up with rolls and rolls of scotch tape. Aww. How sweet. Of course, Alana loves the gift (once she gets it open) and thinks her party is “the best birthday ever.” June, on the other hand, thinks it’s “exhausting” and she’s off to “vegetate her fat ass” for the rest of the night.
The best moment of Alana’s birthday happens after the inflatable water slide disappears and all the guests have gone home. While reflecting on the day, Alana rips a monster snot rocket sneeze. And then we get to watch her “snot face.” This is the face someone makes when they sneeze and there’s no tissues around and they have to try to figure out what to do with all that mucus. I mean, haven’t we all been in this quandary before? A bucket full of snot and nowhere to wipe it. I saw this happen to a guy on the subway the other morning. He chose to rip out a page from his book and use it as a makeshift tissue. It was an interesting choice. In Alana’s case, she decides not to wipe the snot at all, but rather to run away with her hand cupped over it, which I think is the right choice. But what does she do with the snot after she runs away? I guess we’ll never know. Here’s a GIF so you can remember the moment forever:
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