This season of “Bachelor Pad” atoned for all of its boringness in the finale. Let’s start off light, before I delve into the dark and dirty underbelly where people betray one another and we ponder the ways in which money corrupts human beings. Let’s start with Jamie’s ridiculous Pocahontas outfit. It’s as if she thought we would forget what a lunatic she was on the show by dressing like an even bigger lunatic for the finale. It didn’t work. I had almost forgotten. But her outfit brought all the cringeworthy memories back — the awkward makeout session with Chris, how she wanted to fall in love on TV so her kids could see it. Ugh. And just like the false eyelashes and face jewelry she wore, her Padmates called her out for being “fake.” But one couple found something real. Find out which couple, to quote Rihanna, “found love in a hopeless place,” after the jump.
I hate to say this because I have such little faith in the “Bachelor” franchise and the couples it produces, but I think Blakeley and Tony are for realz. I also think they gave Tony that Neil Lane engagement ring. But who cares? I’m happy for them. Blakeley seems infinitely less cray with Tony in her life. And Tony is just a down-to-earth, nice guy who needs a woman to worship. It’s sweet and I approve. Mazel tov, kids, on your love and on the free engagement ring! P.S. If you ask nicely, I bet ABC will pay for your wedding if you agree to televise it.
And onto the much more gritty business of relationship drama. Lindzi and Kalon are still together, although Erica Rose insinuated that she saw Kalon with another girl at a party. But who cares about them? I certainly don’t. Also, Chris and Sarah appear to be a couple outside of the Pad House, which wasn’t addressed even for one second in the finale. That was totally weird. But I also don’t care enough to try to understand it. Jaclyn seems to have forgiven both Ed and Rachel, but she hasn’t forgotten. The big relationship drama was between Rachel and Michael.
I am torn about the whole thing. While Michael might have led Rachel on more than was necessary in the house, I think he was fairly honest about not wanting to be in a relationship with her after “Bachelor Pad.” The problem was that Rachel got a little carried away with it in her mind, thought she was falling in love, and isn’t able to let go. (We’ve all been there!) Dear Rachel, when a guy tells you he doesn’t want to be with you, even if he cuddles or kisses you or puts his penis inside you, you have to hear what he’s saying. I do feel bad that she is crushed by the news that he’s dating someone else, I do feel bad that she has to talk about it on national television. But if it were me, I would have put on my stiff upper lip for the occasion and saved my tears for later in the finale when I would need them. There’s no use in shedding another tear over Michael. He’s not a douchebag, he’s just a dude who has some romantic issues which need sorting out. He seems to be one of those guys who’s in love with being in love. In my humble opinion, Stag needs to spend some time stag. But no one’s asking me. And Rachel? Rachel’s gonna need serious therapy after all of this. And not just because of her breakup with Michael …
The way this whole thing ended was, in my opinion, beyond disturbing. It was entertaining as far as finales go, but not in a way I enjoyed. More in a way where I was left grappling with my faith in humanity. The final couple standing was Rachel and Nick because everyone hates Chris. Rachel chose to share the $250,000 and Nick chose to keep the money, which meant Nick walked away with everything and Rachel without a penny. WHAT A FUCKING SOCIOPATH! Look, I understand this is a game. But Nick’s behavior, his weird, bitter speech, his dead eyes, his lack of compassion for Rachel, his relishing in revenge on his cast mates, was utterly “American Psycho.” Rachel tried to confront him again backstage, but he refused to talk to her. Off Nick went in his limo with his duffle bag full of money, or gym clothes, or both. Where was he going? And so concludes another wild and weird season of “Bachelor Pad.” I really hope Rachel’s OK.