Important business to attend to! We need to discuss this crazy picture of Jon Hamm’s balls. While out strolling this weekend with Jennifer Westfeldt, there were some very interesting pics snapped of his junk. Some featured his incredibly sizable shlong. Not that we’re complaining. There’s never any issue with a devastatingly handsome man being well-endowed. BUT. THE BALLS. Granted, we’ve seen balls of all shapes and sizes. Amelia had a brief fling with a guy with “grapefruit-sized balls” — “Like Christmas tree ornaments!” she emphasizes — and I once slept with a dude whose balls were the size of Lindor truffles. I swear. But nuts, regardless of size or shape, are smushy. Sorry, but something about these moose knuckles just don’t look right to us. After the jump, some theories about what might have been going on Jon’s pants.
1. The penis head and one strangled ball. It’s possible that he is wearing boxers and his penis head got caught in the boxers creating the top “ball” while one actual ball came through the bottom side of the boxer getting strangled, which would account for the bottom “ball.” I feel like I’m talking about the shooting of JFK.
2. Crumpled up “Mad Men” script. This may be what a “Mad Men” script looks like all balled up and shoved in Jon Hamm’s pocket. Perhaps it’s the show’s final script and he’s stored it there for safe-keeping?
3. Squash balls. It’s highly likely that he was playing an early morning game of squash and put two of the leftover balls in his pocket and forgot to take them out. That happens all the time.
4. A shit ton of spare change. Jon Hamm has money. And he keeps it all in his left pocket.
5. Two tangerines he was keeping for a snack. Aww. How sweet of him to carry snacks around for him and Jennifer in case they get hungry on their shopping spree.
6. Mrs. Blankenship’s ashes in a plastic baggie. I mean, Ida was by all accounts the queen of perversions in her younger days.
7. Stunt balls to impress the ladies. Maybe this was Jon’s master plan to get us all riled up. Not that we needed any riling up in regards to him.
8. Really big Ben Wa Balls. Maybe he and Jennifer are spicing things up.
Please add any additional theories in the comments. Thank you for your help in solving this mystery.