Purple Walls And Satin Sheets: A Cautionary Tale

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Sex Studies

According to a study done by a retailer in the UK, couples who paint their walls purple and/ or sleep on silk sheets having more sex than everyone else. You can trust the findings of this study if you’d like. You can paint the walls your favorite shade of lilac and buy expensive silk sheets, or you can just take my word for it when I tell you that I found the opposite to be true.

When I moved to LA in the early 2000s, I decided that my very first post-college bedroom should be “sexy.” Although I had little idea what this meant, I went to the Home Depot to buy paint. While trying to pick a “sexy” color, a Scientologist from the nearby church tried to recruit me. I felt uncomfortable, panicked and bought the first bucket of paint I could get my hands on. It was called Orchid Kiss. The name sounds wonderful, but trust me, it was an abomination of a color. Fine for clothing, not-so-fine for walls. 

In addition to haphazardly painting all my walls — my ceiling included– very unevenly (I stopped when my arm got tired and never finished), I decided to go to Bed Bath & Beyond and buy black, satin sheets to finish my “sexy” room. I couldn’t afford silk. And I’d had a boyfriend back in New York who had satin sheets. He seemed to have ladies falling all over him. So I thought black satin sheets would have men falling all over me. I was wrong.

After three months, I wanted to claw my eyes out waking up in that bedroom every day … alone. Orchid Kiss looked like Orchid Puke, especially when the light hit it and it turned brown like day-old vomit. And the black satin sheets were so slippery that when I woke up, they were in a ball on the floor, completely separate from my bed.

Nary a man entered that bedroom. Perhaps they were frightened. I was frightened. The one time I did lure a gent back to my purple lair to make out, the satin sheets slid off the moment he sat on my mattress. Then, he looked up at my unevenly painted Orchid Kiss ceiling and said, “You didn’t paint the edges.”

“My arm got too tired to finish,” I replied.

Then he promptly excused himself. He had to go back home, he informed me, because his girlfriend was waiting for him.

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