“Gallery Girls” Recap: The Three Bs — Bitches, Breakdowns & Breakups

"Gallery Girls," Ep. 1-2
Liz is a bitch! Amy is a drunk! The Brooklyn girls suck! Read More »
"Gallery Girls," Ep. 3
Maggie touches her hair some more! Read More »
"You're Fake"

On this episode of “Fancy White Bitches Behaving Badly,” er, “Gallery Girls,” we have a birthday, a breakdown and a frenemy breakup.

Maggie’s birthday is coming up and while she wants to go bowling, her friend Chris (who is still wearing Kefiyahs in 2012, how trendy) tells her that’s “trashy.” Shut up, Chris! Bowling is America’s premiere sport. It’s Maggie’s first birthday with Ryan, her neanderthal boyfriend. “Would it be unclassy of me to get a Diet Coke and a wine?” she asks him. Um, hi Maggie, welcome to my world.

Angela is working on getting her photo show together. “Look at me really fiercely,” she says, like a parody of Tim Gunn. She’s doing her show at Norwood, which is actually a really swank club in the West Village. But she still has to actually, you know, take some photos. Angela is shooting in my neighborhood, Greenpoint, out front of the Peter Pan Bakery, which happens to sell a rather incredible donut ice cream sandwich. Why can’t a donut ice cream sandwich be a main character in this show? Angela is taking the most stupid photos when her friend Alex calls to tell her Norwood isn’t going to work out. Angela is pissed. “This is really disrupting my creative process right now,” she says, as if taking pictures of donuts is in some way groundbreaking, provocative stuff.

Chantal, meanwhile, is doing a photoshoot for a Japanese magazine in order to pay the bills, since her boutique, End of Century, isn’t actually making any money. Shocking! “Japanese teenage women really like me,” she says. It’s convenient that she gets shot for Japanese mags, because it turns out her boyfriend Spencer is really into Japanese girls. “I found a safe and all it had in it was an empty pipe and four Japanese porn DVDs.” Way to blow up Spencer’s spot, Chantal! You guys sound like World’s Most Healthy Couple.








Kerri, Maggie, Liz and Amy are at a furniture fair with Sharon and (the former “Baby” from Andy Warhol’s Factory) Jane Holzer. Liz is giving Amy the cold shoulder, saying that she’s a social liability. And besides that, explains Liz, as someone who went to rehab, she really doesn’t want to hang out with out of control drunks. Fair enough, but Amy is flabbergasted by Liz’s behavior, and doesn’t understand what’s happening. That’s okay, since they’re filming a reality TV show they’ll probably have to air their grievances in public, in front of a camera or something, where she’ll be humiliated and forced to figure it out.

Then it’s the night of Kerri’s housewarming party. Angela is the first to show up. Because she is THE WORST, she has something negative to say about it — noting that everyone has “perfect white teeth and is wearing shimmery Express blouses,” which is Brooklyn Hipster for “I feel uncomfortable and insecure because these people don’t look like me.” Angela asks a “sexy truth or dare” question and Claudia admits that she’s always wanted to sleep with Chantal’s boyfriend which isn’t awkward at all. And then Spencer admits that he has a crush on Angela. These people are all terrible and I hope they all explode in a flaming menage a terrible of STDs and hurt feelings.

Maggie and Liz are lamenting the quality of dudes at Kerri’s party in a dour and uncreative way, and also, like the insecure girls that they are, talk a bunch of smack about Amy. It makes Kerri uncomfortable and even the self-absorbed Brooklyn Hipster triumvirate notice. Liz, who is just full of unfettered bitterness, notes that “next to Amy, even the Brooklyn girls are interesting.” How solicitous of you!

The Brooklyn bitches are such assholes that they throw a sorority sluts-themed potluck “in honor of Kerri and her friends.” What. Dicks. Angela is still upset that she has no venue for her stupid photography show. So she asks Chantal and Claudia if she can have it at End of Century, and for once, they sound like actual business owners and say no. This shocks Angela that the world does not bend to her will. Her friend Alex rightly points out that “since she has no budget, what was she expecting?”

There’s an opening at End of Century, which means it is time for this episode’s nonsequitorial Eli Klein cameo. He’s creeping out the girls of EOC, and the viewing audience at home. But the real creep of the night is Angela, who shows up in a “gothasaurus” outfit fitted with strange foam cutouts on the arms. In a confessional to the camera, she admits that she shoplifts at Barneys. Which, whoops, you’re so cool. Angela get in a big blowout with Alex — she’s mad that she doesn’t have a venue for her photo show of photos that it’s pretty clear she’s only taking so that she can become an “It” girl. But then again, she’s not paying him, so what does she expect? She has totally unreasonable expectations for her friends, which is not surprising because she’s a jerk.

The next day, Amy is perturbed by Liz’s behavior toward her, so she decides to ambush Liz at work. She brings cupcakes for Liz, Maggie and Eli to the gallery, and asks Liz to meet her for a quick coffee to discuss their friendship. Liz tells Amy that her excessive drinking makes her really uncomfortable. “I just don’t want to hang out with you if you’re going to get wasted,” she says. Amy denies that she does get out of control drunk — though we’ve actually seen several times when she has. Liz then puts down the hard truth — “I think you’re uncomfortable in your own skin, and you kiss people’s asses and you’re fake sometimes to people.” Amy rightly doesn’t take the news so well, but she tries her best to recover from the litany of mean shit Liz throws her way. She’s nothing if not spunky. [I would rather be uncomfortable in my own skin that comfortable being a complete and total cunt. -- Editor]

Next week: Angela’s art, Maggie tries to get a job, somebody (probably) farts.

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