Virgo (August 23-September 22): Get peace of mind when and where you can get it. This is your best week out of the entire year to be oozing with serenity by choice. This means halting any potential disasters that might be on the brink, because whatever thoughts swim into your brain during the quiet hours will be genius.
Libra (September 23-October 22): You’re hot on the tail of insanity, so jam on the gas pedal and go! You work better with a fire under your ass and if you want to make your anxiety amount to anything, then work that muscle harder. Yes, stop blaming others and take responsibility. There are new tales to tell and they will only be apparent once you walk through this fire, so push it!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Words will come back at you, either to haunt or help you. While you won’t be able to truly know what you will feel until faced with that choice, brace yourself for earth-shattering revelations to come and actions to happen. Yes, this part of the year is going to get even stranger as more perplexing circumstances arise, so don’t think anything is set in stone yet.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You’re going to have to look at a certain situation from other angles. If you are going to solve any mysteries this week, it’ll mean taking yourself out of the picture and thinking like someone else. Push past the logic and feel your way in, as the new imagery you see will uncover a level of depth you never saw and it will have startling effects on you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Listening to immature babble is no one’s favorite activity, and it’s even worse when it starts making you see someone in different way. Yes, the truth will come out and you won’t be able to make any more excuses for your latest trick. The good news is that a clean cut is easy, if you’re willing to be a bit mean. Whatever. Thank god for caller ID.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19): Being comfortable isn’t love. It’s being comfortable. Sure, you love it, but to settle at your current level isn’t ultimately going to fulfill you. So, make a move. Trust there is creamy nougat to be had in this whole craziness called life, and that you can bite into its tastiness. Believe, and in time you will receive, but don’t delude yourself into thinking it’ll happen miraculously.
Pisces (February 20-March 20): You will have the world at your feet, so make those bitches lick it! Yes, this is when you will be able to really crack the whip on those you need to cooperate. Not only will you find your word does have a commanding way about it, but that people are more on your side than you think and flogging them is something they like.
Aries (March 21-April 19): The dating game is going to get primal this week, so pull out the leopard print and get ready to prowl. Yes, if you want to get tail the way you like, it’ll mean working your body and showing off your pheromones in a haughtier way, as the sipping coffee and getting to know you routine is not showcasing the best you’ve got.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You can’t take everyone seriously, and thank god you don’t have to. Prepare for a week of hot dummies infiltrating your life, causing you to wonder if it was real or reality playing tricks on you. Yes, it’s hard to believe some people can walk around with such a lack of common sense. Well, thank god they’re pretty… and doable. Talking too much can ruin the sex anyway.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You’ll be happy over news you receive this week. Even if you knew it was coming, the confirmation will finally put your mind at ease. So, go out, celebrate, be reckless, charge too much on your cards and eat more than you should. You’re sitting on top of the world, so enjoy the view, because the hard work will soon begin and you won’t have time to smell the roses.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Let the games begin. Today marks a new week in which a better horizon will come into focus and your life will be taking a new turn that can get you out of your comfort zone in a good way. To keep riding the wave of excitement, don’t fret over making detailed plans, as building the momentum is best done by spontaneously going with the flow. Follow fate.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Someone is going to fuck with you, bringing out your inner crazy bitch — but after you’re done, people will thank you for your heroic act. The fact is that it takes a village to move a mountain in your lifetime, so consider yourself the bulldozer to the first in a string of events that will have you verbally punching right and then left.