I am presently married, but before I reached this impressively adult position, however, I had my way with a series of gentleman across the fair island of Manhattan. I was a little late to the online dating game, and once I discovered it, look out! I had a date more than half the nights of the week. And, if I’m being honest, I slept with a decent number of them. What can I say? I’m a fan of the one-night stand.
One night stands, I think, are like that very, very rich piece of cheesecake: Delicious and a total treat, but if you had it every day, you’d be like, “Oh my god. I’m disgusting. I feel gross. I hate myself.” They’re not for every day, but they’re for sometimes. The key is in the approach. You need to practice moderation. You need to find the right guy with whom to do it. And the right guy is simple. He is someone you’re very attracted to and with whom you have zero interest in a relationship.
Now that I’ve laid the criteria for the gentleman with whom you want to have a one night stand, let me work to convince you further as to why you should indulge …
1. You’ll watch less TV. I don’t know about you, but I’m constantly Netflix-ing some program to which I promptly become addicted. And then I start dreading the day it runs out. (It is this destructive habit that’s caused me to watch all seasons of “30 Rock” no fewer than six times.) And so: Any night I don’t fall asleep whittling down the ever-lessening reserves of exciting TV is a night I’m grateful for. As I lack the self-restraint to do it when I’m home, I welcome any late-night plans. “30 Rock” is wonderful, of course. But it’s not more wonderful than sex that’s either a) legitimately good, or b) sort of bad and hilarious and, therefore, it’s own great form of entertainment.
2. You don’t have to make the bed in the morning. I’m mean, I’m sorry, but this makes it all worth it right here. I am a terrible maker of beds. It never looks even; I don’t know how to get it, like, fluffy you know? And! I’m not even one of those people who’s got a bed against a wall. Making a bed that’s up against wall is near-impossible. So to you ladies in that situation, I implore you: Please sleep out as often as you can.
3. The orgasm. Sometimes it’s just nice to have one from someone other than yourself, you know?
4. You see so much real estate. If I had my way most weekends, I’d spend them going to open houses, I really would. I live in New York and I like to see what the homes are like in different neighborhoods, in different apartment buildings, and from the number of one night stand’s I’ve enjoyed, I’ve seen more varying views of Manhattan – more interesting interior spaces – than if I had money to burn on the city’s most savvy real estate agent.
5. You get a story. If there’s one sure hell on earth, it’s being at a dinner or cocktail party with nothing in the world to say. I hereby swear to you that if you add the occasional one night stand to your social calendar, you will henceforth have more things to say. For example: “Oh my god, did I tell you about that time when I went back to that guy’s apartment and his penis was huge and he was all, like, ‘Do you like that big d**k, girl? Do you like it?’” Or perhaps: “Oh my god, did I tell you about that time when I went back to that guy’s apartment and he disappeared for, like, an hour? I think he had diarrhea. Which turned out to be sort of fortuitous actually, because I wound up with horrible gas – maybe we’d eaten something? – and I kept farting and farting and it smelled like an onion. Exactly like an onion.”
6. You spend less money. Movies, drinks, dinners, a few rounds at a hipster bowling alley. These things cost money. But (seeing as how we’re not talking about anyone prostituting themselves) sex surely does not. We’re in a recession, my people. We need no further excuses to indulge inexpensive activities.
7. You get a workout. Usually, first-time sex – and I’m talking the kind you have with someone to whom you’re viscerally attracted – it’s as acrobatic, as vigorous, as sweaty as it’s going to get. You try to bring your A-game. You try to put in some effort. Surely this is more fun than 30 minutes spent on a treadmill.
8. You work out your wild side. This one’s last, and this one’s key. Eventually, you’re going to meet The Guy. You’ll meet him, and love him and settle down with him. And even though you’ll love him, and even though you’ll be thrilled to settle down, you’ll want – before meeting him – to have some experience under your belt. Your monogamous, LTR will be made all the sweeter when you have those mad adventures to remember. Like the time you farted and it smelled like onion and that guy you hardly new was in the nearby bathroom crapping.