10 Reasons I’m Jealous Of Avril Lavigne For Getting To Marry Chad Kroeger
When the news broke last night that Avril Lavigne was engaged to be married to Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, aka The Band That Everyone Hates, the world let out a collective, “Wait, what?” and the internet exploded with unanswered questions: Was this Canada’s version of a practical joke? What happened to Brody Jenner? Would their wedding colors be black and pale? But the question that ultimately drowned out all the others, the real heart of the debate, was just one word long, accompanied by an incredulous head tilt: “Him?” Chad Kroeger, it seems, was Avril’s Ann Veal.
As a lover of Nickelback, I feel it is my duty to clear some things up, because not only is Avril one lucky lady to be committing her life to Chad Kroeger, I am totally jealous that Chad didn’t ask me to marry him instead. Here’s why…
1. Nickelback is awesome. OK, deep breath, here it goes: You guys, I love Nickelback. In fact, before ChAvril even happened, Julie was begging me to write a story about being a fan of the much maligned Canadian band. “I already wrote a post about my obsession with Celine Dion,” I told her. “I’m not sure I’m ready to come out as a Nickelback fan too.” She insisted, I hesitated, and then this engagement news broke and I took it as a sign from the universe that it was time to ‘fess up.
For years, I pretended my love for Nickelback was, like, an ironic statement or something. I lead a double life, laughing about Nickelback at parties with my hipster friends, then singing “Savin’ Me” in the car on the ride home and getting really emotional. Nickelback makes music that doesn’t require you to think too much. Their songs are catchy and fun and straightforward. Sure, their lyrics are written for a third grade reading level, and sure, the typical Nickelback fan owns a few too many sleeveless T-shirts, but you know what? I get enjoyment from listening to Nickelback and so do thousands of other people and who cares if The Black Keys think we’re lame? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: life is too short to only listen to “cool” music.
2. He is ridiculously hot in person. My friend Kyle got me tickets to a Nickelback concert for my birthday this year because he is the best friend in the history of the world. We headbanged to “Animals” and shed a few tears during “Someday” and it was great. After the show, we got lost in the parking garage and ended up driving out a different exit, where we noticed a bus and a small group of people standing around. “Kyle,” I said, “I think that’s Chad Kroeger!”
“I think you’re right,” Kyle said, and pulled up alongside the group. We rolled down the windows, the groupies parted ways, and there he was: Chad Kroeger.
“Hi,” I said, my voice cracking like a pubescent schoolboy. “Great show tonight!”
Chad bent down and looked me right in the eye. God, he was pretty. My pupils turned into bright red hearts. Sparks flew. Somewhere in the distance, a unicorn neighed. He smiled warmly and said, “Aww, thank you so much!”
And then I died.
But seriously: photos do not do this man justice. He is tall and confident and charismatic and hot. Just trust me, OK?
3. He’s an underdog. A rich, rich, underdog. The fact that Nickelback is widely regarded as The Worst Band In The World means that Chad Kroeger and company don’t really have anything to prove anymore. The people who already like his music will continue to like his music, and the ones who hate it will continue to hate it. Nobody expects much from Nickelback, but that doesn’t mean they don’t sell millions of albums and take those low expectations straight to the bank.
4. He’s sensitive. For all the songs Chad writes about strippers and blowjobs by the train tracks, he also writes romantic ballads like “Far Away” and “Never Gonna Be Alone.” The man has emotional depth.
5. He’s straightforward. With Nickelback, what you hear is what you get. Chad’s lyrics are simple and to the point (example: “Look at this photograph / Every time I do it makes me laugh”). I’m not sure any of their songs has ever included a metaphor. We can safely assume that Chad brings the same refreshing no bullshit attitude to his personal life, and I must say, this is a great quality in a husband.
6. He has unlimited sexual energy. All you have to do is listen to “Animals” to know that Chad is going to be a fun partner in the bedroom. Also, he’s a Scorpio. Enough said.
7. He already got the “ramen noodle hair” look out of his system. Listen, the ’90s were a dark time for all of us. But just look at Justin Timberlake: once you’ve had wavy, yellow, uncooked Top Ramen hair, there’s really nowhere to go but up.
8. His voice sounds like a sexy industrial gravel maker. My boyfriend does a decent impression of Chad Kroeger’s voice, which is one of the major reasons we’re still together. Chad has the best scratchy, masculine growl. I want him to read me stories at bedtime.
9. He is exceedingly kind. I am stating this as a fact based on two pieces of evidence: 1) He was really genuinely nice during my 30-second interaction with him, and 2) he is Canadian.
10. He lives each day to the fullest. Once upon a time, Chad’s best friend gave him the best advice: “Each day’s a gift and not a given right.” You know, even if you hate his music, and his lyrics, and his hair, and his voice, you have to admit: that’s a great life motto, and a great way to approach a new marriage. Avril, you’re one lucky girl.