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“Gallery Girls” Recap: Girls Gone Wild

Filling Dog Bowls?

Okay, so we’re a little late on recapping the new Bravo show “Gallery Girls.” We’ve Julia Allison-ed our responsibilities. But better later than never, because “Gallery Girls” is sure to be our — and your — new guilty pleasure. In typical Bravo style, the show follows a gaggle of gals, in varying degrees of reprehensibility, as they navigate the social stratosphere of whatever field they’re half-assedly pursuing. In this case, the field is art — making, buying, selling, and displaying — and the stratosphere is New York. Which means that “Gallery Girls” is so much more pretentious than any Bravo show maybe ever.

Okay, so let’s meet the girls of “Gallery Girls.” They can basically be broken down into three groups:








1. The Red Lipsticks. Chantal, Claudia, and Angela are the artsy hipsters of the cast, quickly identified by their edgy clothing and red lips. They rarely venture out of Brooklyn or Manhattan’s Lower East Side.

Chantal: Has a pouty overbite and barely opens her mouth when she speaks. Insanely gorgeous, kind of want to wear her as a skin suit. She and Claudia own a boutique/gallery, which sounds like a cool but terrible way to make money. Chantal seems cool, but she also seems like the kind of psycho who would kill your cat and store it in her freezer if you pissed her off.

Claudia: Vaguely teary all the time, probably because her parents gave her and Chantal $15,000 to start their business (which she never shuts up about) and she’s worried she won’t be able to pay them back.








Angela: Originally from Orange County, Angela is a model and aspiring photographer. She likes to pose nude for other photographers on the regular. She is admittedly obsessed with herself.

2. The Blonde Bitches: Amy and Liz both come from families with a lot of money and a foothold in the art world. They live on the Upper East Side and still don’t get what all that Brooklyn fuss is about.








Liz: Originally from Miami, her dad is a known collector of art. It is through her dad’s notoriety that Liz scores an internship (ahh, the glamour of working for free!) with the Eli Klein Gallery. She is a huge shit talker and inexplicably has a nose piercing.








Amy: Thanks to her family’s wealth, Amy has been able to live rent free on the Upper East Side and work as an intern for an art buyer, while still being able to afford eyelash extensions. Even though they are from the same social scene, Liz kind of hates Amy because Amy is a drunk kiss ass. I also think she hates Amy because Amy is the least attractive of the cast and Liz seems like that kind of bitch. I have a soft spot for Amy for the same reason.








3. The Upstarts: Maggie and Kerri don’t have the Blondes Bitches’ family connections, but they’re desperate to make a path for themselves into that world. Maggie has been interning for Eli Klein for awhile, while Kerri has just landed a gig with Amy’s boss Sharon, an “art advisor,” whatever that means. Kerri is, by far, the most grounded and normal of all the girls, while Maggie has a serious, serious hair-fondling problem. We suspect she may suffer from tricotylomania and that she has actually pulled out all her own hair and wears a massive weave.

Here is a terror chart which defines and explains their competing levels of  insanity.

In the second episode, the Uptown/Downtown, Totally Crazy/Slightly Psychopathic thing continues — which is to say all of these girls are cut from the same bat crackers cloth.

We catch up with Chantal and Claudia — the two owners of Lower East Side boutique/gallery End Of Century — the morning after their opening party. Claudia is there bright and early to clean up. Chantal is … not.

Then we head to Soho, to meet up with Leo Johnson From “Twin Peaks” lookalike Eli Klein, and his razzamatazzmic Eli Klein Gallery. That’s where both Liz and Maggie are working. For some reason Maggie thinks this stupid internship is the most important thing on the planet, and she has to finish it out, even though, like, WHO CARES — take it off your resume. Something shady is going on with Maggie and Eli, though, because she’s clearly been interning there for three years or something, a fact which he blatantly denies straight to the cameras. Dude is Leo Johnsoning all over the place.

Eli has Maggie do important things like fill doggie water bowls and tie up plastic bags, while hot blond intern Liz watches. Something is so weird with these two — even Liz remarks, “This poor girl has a degree in art history and he has her folding grocery bags, so clearly he has some kind of issue with her.”

Back in Brooklyn, Claudia, Chantal and Angela are at Williamsburg bar Huckleberry (which they are clearly hanging out at because it’s one of the few places that will let them film). They’re looking for cute guys for Angela, the extreme narcissist. Three Brooklyn hipsters roll up to their table, probably drawn to the lights of the cameras and hoping someone will pay attention to their noise band/skateboarding company/film vanity project. They proceed to make some extremely obnoxious (and racist!) comments, and then throw food at the girls. Which is pretty much exactly what dating in Williamsburg is like, so go figure.

Then, in an utterly contrived moment in order to get screen time for Phillips de Pury auction house (where prominent Bravo man about town Simon de Pury works), the entire cast is somehow at an Upper East Side auction. The Brooklyn girls meet Amy for the first time and are put off by her overly friendly demeanor. “I’m not sure if she was totally faking it, or if she just takes too many antidepressants,” snorts Chantal. But oh, that’s not Amy’s only faux pas — she also mentions to Maggie that she recognizes the friend Maggie brought to the auction, Eric, because she met him at a comedy club the previous night. The guy apparently didn’t like Amy, and tells Maggie that “she was really drunk and was trying to hook up with him.”

Kerri, Amy, Chantal, Angela and Claudia go for a drink afterwards. Angela, who is awful, snarks on Amy’s choice of drink: a lychee martini. Is there nothing she won’t have a bad attitude about? Chantal wants to make sure she’s not drinking a wine from Oregon, because God, grapes from Oregon are terrifying nuggets of poison? Who ARE these people? Kerri peaces out early, but not before apparently insulting Amy by saying she “can’t hang on the Upper East Side.” Amy does not take kindly to Kerri insulting her tribe, and says, “So sue me because I dress well.” Somehow, my little butterball bleached blonde friend, I don’t think that’s what she meant.

The following day, we join Kerri on a typical morning on her job — which involves getting a bunch of bagels for some rich clients who are flying on a private jet. Of course, bagels aren’t authorized to fly by themselves, so Kerri must go with them.








Next, we see Maggie running an errand for Eli, in Brooklyn. She hates Brooklyn (natch), and seems to think that she’ll be murdered/raped there. Of course, she’s in Williamsburg, which is definitely nicer than many parts of Manhattan, but that doesn’t stop her from playing up her sheer terror. Girl takes a (very expensive) cab back, just so she can call and complain to her boyfriend that she had to go to Brooklyn! Oh life. Maggie also reveals that she briefly worked as Eli’s personal assistant, and he made her put his shoes and socks on for him. This is a grown man. What. The. Fuck.

At End of Century, Claudia is waiting for a neighborhood gallerist named Stephan to bring by his “chic” French clients, who might be interested in purchasing a painting or two. Claudia is realizing that it’s kind of hard to sell paintings when there’s less expensive clothing hanging in the same space. Her co-owners Lara and Chantal are getting on Claudia to sell a painting so they can pay some bills, but paintings and bracelets are not the same thing — and Claudia needs her two biz partners to be patient. And, she reminds us for the millionth time, her parents put up all the investment capital anyway…

Kerri goes home to visit her grandparents and father. They’re worried because she looks thin. Her dad sounds like my dad when he says, “It’s not the best I’ve ever seen you.” The family seems so nice and normal and well-adjusted — and it makes you like Kerri more. Kerri goes to watch a football game with her dad, and it’s really sweet. He dispenses a bunch of fatherly advice about money, and promises that Kerri can come back and move in with him if she ever needs to, which of course makes her bristle.

Meanwhile, Angela is wondering why nobody adores Angela as much as Angela adores herself.  Her passel of gay male friends fawn all over her — presumably for TV time, not because she’s actually fun to hang out with. Her checklist of characteristics she wants in a man sound a bit like Julia Allison’s seven million point check list. Angela then admits that she’s never had an orgasm. Um, what? Girl, you are doing it wrong.

Just like the rest of us, Liz is trying to get to the bottom of Maggie’s strange relationship with Eli. What is the deeeeeal with these two? Maggie and Eli go out to get a drink after work, even though it’s clear Maggie can’t stand him. Eli is a total prick to her, and does that annoying thing where he tries to make her order food even though she says repeatedly that she’s not hungry. Eli then makes a snide comment about how she should take it to go and “give it to Ryan as a present from me.” Which, jackpot! Did Eli and Maggie used to date and now he hates that she’s with someone new?

All will (hopefully, maybe) be revealed this season.

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