“Gallery Girls” Recap: Girls Gone Wild

Okay, so we’re a little late on recapping the new Bravo show “Gallery Girls.” We’ve Julia Allison-ed our responsibilities. But better later than never, because “Gallery Girls” is sure to be our — and your — new guilty pleasure. In typical Bravo style, the show follows a gaggle of gals, in varying degrees of reprehensibility, as they navigate the social stratosphere of whatever field they’re half-assedly pursuing. In this case, the field is art — making, buying, selling, and displaying — and the stratosphere is New York. Which means that “Gallery Girls” is so much more pretentious than any Bravo show maybe ever.

Okay, so let’s meet the girls of “Gallery Girls.” They can basically be broken down into three groups:

Next, we see Maggie running an errand for Eli, in Brooklyn. She hates Brooklyn (natch), and seems to think that she’ll be murdered/raped there. Of course, she’s in Williamsburg, which is definitely nicer than many parts of Manhattan, but that doesn’t stop her from playing up her sheer terror. Girl takes a (very expensive) cab back, just so she can call and complain to her boyfriend that she had to go to Brooklyn! Oh life. Maggie also reveals that she briefly worked as Eli’s personal assistant, and he made her put his shoes and socks on for him. This is a grown man. What. The. Fuck.

At End of Century, Claudia is waiting for a neighborhood gallerist named Stephan to bring by his “chic” French clients, who might be interested in purchasing a painting or two. Claudia is realizing that it’s kind of hard to sell paintings when there’s less expensive clothing hanging in the same space. Her co-owners Lara and Chantal are getting on Claudia to sell a painting so they can pay some bills, but paintings and bracelets are not the same thing — and Claudia needs her two biz partners to be patient. And, she reminds us for the millionth time, her parents put up all the investment capital anyway…

Kerri goes home to visit her grandparents and father. They’re worried because she looks thin. Her dad sounds like my dad when he says, “It’s not the best I’ve ever seen you.” The family seems so nice and normal and well-adjusted — and it makes you like Kerri more. Kerri goes to watch a football game with her dad, and it’s really sweet. He dispenses a bunch of fatherly advice about money, and promises that Kerri can come back and move in with him if she ever needs to, which of course makes her bristle.

Meanwhile, Angela is wondering why nobody adores Angela as much as Angela adores herself.  Her passel of gay male friends fawn all over her — presumably for TV time, not because she’s actually fun to hang out with. Her checklist of characteristics she wants in a man sound a bit like Julia Allison’s seven million point check list. Angela then admits that she’s never had an orgasm. Um, what? Girl, you are doing it wrong.

Just like the rest of us, Liz is trying to get to the bottom of Maggie’s strange relationship with Eli. What is the deeeeeal with these two? Maggie and Eli go out to get a drink after work, even though it’s clear Maggie can’t stand him. Eli is a total prick to her, and does that annoying thing where he tries to make her order food even though she says repeatedly that she’s not hungry. Eli then makes a snide comment about how she should take it to go and “give it to Ryan as a present from me.” Which, jackpot! Did Eli and Maggie used to date and now he hates that she’s with someone new?

All will (hopefully, maybe) be revealed this season.