As parents must safeguard their homes against the presence of a toddler, so must single men prepare their apartments for the company of a woman. This process is called girlproofing. I must give credit where credit is due here. It was the great John DeVore of “Mind of Man” fame who coined the term. He once told me that he refused to let a woman he liked into his apartment until it was properly “girlproofed.” John DeVore is a wise man. For he understands that if a woman doesn’t feel safe and comfortable at his place, she’s probably never coming back.
One of the first questions women ask each other after an overnight is, “How was his apartment?” And why do we ask this? You probably didn’t give a rat’s ass what was going on at our apartment, right? Do you even remember what it looked like? Well, let me generalize for a moment here and say that most women have more needs, require more amenities, pay attention to little details that guys don’t. That stack of crusty dishes in the sink may mean nothing to you, but to me it means, “I wonder if he has roaches?” You may have no problem with that one, moldy-smelling towel you’ve been using for months, but to me, it is a guarantee that I will never shower at your place. So guys, if you want repeat customers — just one or many — I cannot stress the importance of girlproofing. Here’s how it’s done…
1. Clean up! I may tell you that I don’t care that your apartment is a mess. I’m lying. Now, there are different kinds of messes. Maybe there are some clothes that need to be put away or mail that needs to be sorted or you forgot to make your bed. Fine, I can look the other way. Here’s what I can’t ignore:
- An inch-thick layer of dust and crumbs on the floor
- A pile of moldy dishes in the sink
- A bathroom sink covered in your shaving remains
- A shower grown over with grimy fuzz
- Sheets and towels with stains, which reek of dirty socks and old sweat
- An avalanche of dirty laundry
- Heaps and heaps of pet hair
- Bug infestations of any sort
- Stinky, rotting garbage piles
- Your porno smut (unless I ask to see it)
I could keep going here, but I think you’re catching my drift. May I make a suggestion? You may not have a knack/time for proper housekeeping. That’s OK. I don’t either. This is why I set aside $50 a month to have someone come and clean for me. I don’t do my own laundry either. I pay an extra $5 and drop it off every week. It comes back folded and then I just put it away. You may be poor, but this $60, or whatever it is, that you set aside for someone else to do housekeeping for you will more than make up for itself in the sex you will receive. Are we clear about this?
2. Stock up! Now that your place is clean, on to girl-friendly amenities which you must have. There are certain things I need — or at least want to know are there if I’m spending the night. These things will put me at ease so all I’m thinking about is you. I don’t want to lay awake at night thinking about how much I wanted to brush my teeth, but couldn’t because you don’t have toothpaste. Then I’m worrying about whether or not you brush your teeth. It’s a vicious cycle. Don’t forget the basics:
- Unused toothbrush
- Toothpaste (not crusty, with enough inside to easily squeeze out)
- Toilet paper (c’mon!)
- Hand soap
- Shower curtain
- A garbage can in your bathroom
- A space, clean towel for when I take a shower
- A clean towel to wipe my face with
- Soap, shampoo and conditioner in the shower
- Tissues and Q-tips
- Basic face and body lotion (anything fancy I want, I’ll bring myself)
- Coffee for the morning (bonus points if you make it for me)
- Something for breakfast
You may be like, “But I didn’t know you were coming over and I wasn’t prepared!” Just go out this weekend and stock up and then if you get lucky, you’re good to go. You don’t have to wait for a special girl to girlproof. Why not girlproof preemptively?
3. Bells and whistles! And now for the bonus round. Advanced girlproofing 101. If you want me to stay over lots and lots, you’ll need a few more things:
- Candles (if that’s your vibe … they smell nice)
- A place for me to put a few of my specialized lady products
- Some space in the closet or a drawer for some clothes
- An iron
- A blowdryer
- What I like to eat for breakfast (Kashi and Almond Breeze)
- My favorite beverages
- Chocolate of some sort
Or just ask what she likes to have around. I’m sure that she will be more than happy to tell you.
And on that note, feel free to chime in with instructions about guyproofing. Do I need to buy beer or bourbon or special shaving cream or something?