*Spoiler alerts abound! * “Bachelor Pad” producers inadvertently shit on their own show last night by trying to save their villain Chris. Everyone wanted that diabolical douche out of there after last week’s love square fallout, but then the “Pad” gods intervened and ended up sacrificing the only two people who ever say remotely amusing things — Michael Stagliano and Erica Rose. Your stupid plan backfired, producers. Is there even any reason to watch anymore? Not really. Blakelely can be mildly entertaining at times and Ed is fun to laugh at when he’s drunk. But can they carry a show? HELL NO. After the jump, how karma farted on Michael and shined on Chris … and some interesting moments in between.
If you’ve ever wondered what an adult having a tempter tantrum looks like, behold Chris stomping around the house after finding out that Blakeley would be around for another week. Chris made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Literally. He’s in his bed. And everyone hates him. Well, everyone but Sarah. She’s in his bed with him. Together they are feeling sorry for poor Chris because Blakeley put a spell on him and all his friends betrayed him. So let me get this straight … Chris can lie to anyone he wants but no one can lie to him? Ah yes, four-year-old logic. Michael says, quite accurately, “Chris has taken up all the BLEEPhole space in the house.”
But Chris isn’t taking this lying down. He’s going to get out of his bed and confront Kalon and Ed, the people who lied to him. Kalon defends himself with a line from “A Few Good Men.” “Chris can’t handle the truth!” he proclaims. Good one, Kalon! And Ed? He’s too dumb to cover his tracks, so he blames it on Jaclyn. “I was influenced by my partner,” Ed whines. He was just obeying, OK? He doesn’t make decisions for himself. I think they could have replaced the entire first part of the episode with the soundtrack of babies crying and that would have been sufficient.
Blakeley finally gets her moment to shine with a challenge that plays to her strengths — stacking cups on a tray. Did you know that Blakeley worked at Hooters for “35 years” according to Chris, “her entire life” according to Jaclyn, i.e. “13 years” according to Blakeley? If you didn’t know she was a Hooters cocktail waitress, the show does you a solid and reminds you four times in three minutes. Obvs, Blakeley wins the challenge as does her new partner Tony, thanks to her coaching. And we think Blakeley will finally get her moment of glory, but she chooses the overnight date and gives away the other date to Kalon and Lindzi. They get diamonds and a Bentley and Blakeley gets a map, a jeep and a lumber salesman. Blakeley and Tony end up on a crummy ass camping date with Wes’ (remember Wes?) stupid song playing in the background. I feel like this is a metaphor for Blakeley’s entire existence. But at least Tony is under her spell now. And he’s feeling “pleasantly unexpected” about her. Chris tries to lure Tony out from under Blakeley’s spell by putting another spell on him to give the rose to Sarah. But it doesn’t work and Tony gives the rose to Jaclyn. Arghgh! So many spells! So little time!
Not that Jaclyn’s rose is any consolation because Ed proceeds to embarrass Jaclyn to the extreme in front of everyone. When Chris Harrison asks if the two are a couple, Ed replies that he decided he “would never romantically get involved with anybody” in the Pad house. YIKES. But Ed’s been sharing a bed with Jaclyn every night. Does that not count as romantic involvement? I guess he doesn’t obey as much as he says he does. But all of this is overshadowed by Chris Harrison’s announcement: Only a woman will be eliminated by a house vote and she will pick the man who gets sacrificed to the limo gods.
It gets confusing from here on out, but basically, Michael does something kind of shady for the first time ever and tries to convince Erica that Chris has hatched a plan to get rid of her, when it was really his idea. Then Chris makes “Bachelor Pad” history by pulling Erica Rose in the voting room and voting in front of her to prove his innocence. [Since when is that allllllowed? Does Chris get to do whatever he wants on this show?! -- Editor] Bye, Michael. I guess the coffee mugs or fate were stacked against him. Here’s the important takeaway here: When liars tell the truth, they are rewarded, when honest people lie, they are punished. Because “Bachelor Pad” is a deep show and there are lessons to be learned.