Representative Todd Akin Says “Legitimate Rape Victims” Don’t Get Pregnant

Exhale. Just give me a moment, would you? I’m trying to relax, get centered, you know? I’ve got a hand mirror and I’m ready to spend some quality time with my vagina and its mysterious, miraculous abilities. See, this weekend, a politician named Todd Akin, a representative for the state of Missouri, said that according to some doctors he’d spoken to, “pregnancy from rape is really rare” and that “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.” (If you’re illegitimately raped — you’ll know when you DON’T receive a piece of paper in the mail to file along with your birth certificate and social security card — you’re on your own, I guess.)

So, here I am, in my bathroom, with nice, bright lighting going on, because I installed fresh bulbs just for the occasion, and I am going to find this special little spot in my ladyparts that apparently turns on and secretes anti-pregnancy juices during sexual assault. I mean, obviously, I don’t expect to see it in action, doing its thing as Rep. Akins describes, because I am not mid-rape — let alone mid-legitimate rape — but I have just got to see this amazing vaginal knick-knack for myself. I am so glad Rep. Akin brought it to my attention. We can always count on old male politicians to know the most about the female reproductive system, am I right, ladies?! I’ll report back. (But don’t get too excited, gals. Sometimes this as-yet-unnamed anti-pregnancy rape mechanism thingamajig [APRMT for short] doesn’t work — “or something,” as Akin puts it — in which case, Rep. Akin says we are shit outta luck. “I think there should be some punishment,” Akin advised, “but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”)

While I’m busy hunting for my own APRMT, which may or may not function to full capacity, maybe the rest of you would consider donating to Claire McCaskill’s campaign. She’s running against this dangerous, disgusting, bile-spouting moron in Missouri and could use the help of sane people everywhere in order to win.  [The Daily Kos]