Forget about love triangles. BORING. Monday night’s episode of “Bachelor Pad” involved a love square. How does one even get involved in a love square? Good question. Chris seems to have figured it out. As Sage Stagliano (who’s dubbed himself “coach” of the house) put it, “He’s going around starting lots of little fires in girls’ pants, and when you play with fire you’re gonna get burned.” That is correct, Michael. After the jump, how Chris managed to start a string of panty fires. Seriously, I don’t get what these girls find attractive about him.
Play #1: Trash girl #1, then hook up with girl #2 and pretend to like her even though you don’t.
During the mashup challenge, Chris isn’t cheering enough for Blakeley, and being that she is his partner (and they’ve hooked up), she’s not happy about it. Chris doesn’t really care though, he’s annoyed and wants “super ex-girlfriend” to leave him alone already. Way to reference the Uma Thurman movie no one saw, dude. So when Blakeley goes to bed, he’s got his eyes on Jamie’s boobs. What ensues is another of the world’s most awkward makeout sessions. Jamie keeps outdoing herself. It’s unbelievable. This time, she won’t stop talking and Chris notes that she’s a “yapper” and he must “shut her up” by kissing her. While he thinks there’s “no spark there,” she thinks he’s “surprisingly wonderful.” She’s never felt this way about anyone this quickly! He’s her man! I get the feeling that Jamie has never dated anyone. Like, her appearance on “The Bachelor” might have been her first date. And “Bachelor Pad” is her second. I simultaneously want to punch her and sit her down and explain the ways of the world to her. It’s weird. Chris has two girls at this point: one who hates him but continues to remain loyal to him (Blakeley) and one who thinks he’s God’s gift to vagina (Jamie).
Play #2 : Ditch girls #1 and #2 for girl #3. Pit girls #1 and #2 against each other by convincing girl #2 that you are shacking up with girl #3 to protect her from girl #1.
Huh? I know, this is confusing, but Chris knows how to work a love square. He gets a rose and gives it to … Sarah! Surprise! He doesn’t want to deal with Blakeley and Jamie anymore. Instead, he wants to set a new pair of panties aflame. This move doesn’t go over well with Blakeley or Jamie, obvs. Blakeley confronts Chris and tries to get some vow of partner loyalty from him, which he will not agree to. Then Blakeley cries. Then SOMEHOW, Chris manages to convince Jamie that he chose Sarah for the date because he wanted to protect her from CRAZY Blakeley. Isn’t that sweet of him! Jamie sure thinks so. “And that’s the great thing about him,” Jamie gushes. “He doesn’t get pleasure out of causing pain.” She’s clearly delusional. I won’t waste my time explaining anything to her. She’s a hopeless case.
Play #3: Hook up with girl #3. Leave girl #1 and #2 alone to destroy each other.
While Jamie and Blakelye are practically coming to blows over Chris, he is busy setting Sarah’s panties on fire. The sparks start with a staring competition. Then he puts a strawberry on a fork and calls it a rose and VOILA! Sarah’s straddling him in a hot tub. Get a room, you two! Oh wait, they do. And with that, Chris has successfully traded in girls #1 and #2 for girl #3. “It’s just like buying a new car,” he says. Sarah even has that new car smell. (Eww?) But here’s where everything goes wrong. Instead of Blakeley and Jamie bonding against Chris, they turn against each other. Jamie refuses to believe Chris is playing her for a fool. Oh Jamie, “Loyal, lovable and respectful” he is NOT. Prepare to be crushed because … Chris and Sarah are not coming home.
Play # 4: Spend the night with girl #3.
It’s hard to do a walk of shame back into the Pad when there are two angry women waiting for you. But Chris and Sarah do it proudly. Blakeley is pissed and Jamie is CRUSHED. Jamie, don’t be CRUSHED. Put the pieces together and fight for your place in the Pad! But Jamie gets sacrificed to the Crying Limo Gods and Chris is revealed as the “rat” and the “snake” that he is. By the end of the episode, Chris has no one. Well, I guess he still has Sarah, but I suspect not for long. I predict the fire in her panties will be out soon. Probably by next week’s episode. Stay tuned.