We’re Breaking Up: Drunk Crocs President Who Claimed His Girlfriend Was Taylor Swift

Dear Darling George Boedecker,

I know you think you’re really super important as the founder of Crocs, the footwear of choice of obese Midwesterners and chef Mario Batali, but just because you managed to create a plastic shoe empire doesn’t mean you get to pretend our love wasn’t real.

According to police reports, when you were pulled over in Boulder, Colorado, for driving under the influence you told cops that it was girlfriend Taylor Swift who’d been behind the wheel. “My girlfriend is a really fucking famous singer,” you told the police, before asking one of the officers if he “knew who Taylor Swift was.” Officer Patrick Vest then asked you if you knew where Swift was, to which you replied, “she was in Nashville,” and noted that she was “batshit crazy.”

George, how could you deny our love like that? I have no choice but to break up with you, especially after you told the cops, “I have 17 fucking homes” and that things were about to get “medieval” after declining to take a field sobriety test. Then you told the cops to “go fuck yourselves in the ass.”

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, you were arrested wearing flip-flops. Flip-flops, George. We’re so over. Have a nice life with your new girlfriend Taylor. [The Smoking Gun]