“Small Town Security” Recap: God Don’t Make No Junk

I was too traumatized by last night’s “Breaking Bad” to watch “Small Town Security,” so apologies for getting this recap to you late. “Breaking Bad” is so stressful! But “Small Town Security” is like a sweet, soothing salve on the nerves. As long as you can handle all the uncomfortable sex talk.

And oh, what sex talk!

This episode opens with noted F-to-M transsexual Denis Croft making the rounds and sneaking up on all of JJK’s security guard employees, in order to test out their skills. It looks like a hilarious game of tag, but Denis promises it’s really important to make sure the guards are on their toes.

This is the most opportune time to recount how Denis and Joan “The Chief” Koplin took their bizarre sexual attraction during Denis’ birthday party. It seems Joan asked Denis to come to the bathroom with her to help her with her pants, because that’s a totally normal thing to ask your employee to do. And because Denis was a little bit soused, he tried to plant a kiss on Joan. And she was not having it. “I’m not kissing a girl with a moustache, I’m sorry,” explains Joan.

Irwin is still struggling with his extreme hoarder behavior, so the Junk King is called back to begin the process of decluttering Irwin. “I feel like I’ve per-custinated long enough.” He has mail that’s 23 years old. It might be time, Irwin. Plus, the Junk King has unearthed long-lost Penthouses.

Denis is training the employees on how to handle pepper spray. Which of course requires them to get sprayed in the face. Two happily submit, while the other two say “hell-to-the-no.” One of the guys who suffers through pepper-spraying is arbitrarily promoted by The Chief. Maybe it’s just because I’ve come to expect the unexpected with this show, but all the guys that work for Chief look a little like F-to-M transsexuals to me.

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Meanwhile, Irwin is intent on proving Joan wrong and removing some of the junk he’s hoarded up over the last few years from the office — and he’s actually getting rid of stuff! The rest of the JJK staff is nonplussed. “He acts like he’s going to excavate some old subway in New York and renovate it. It’s not that complicated. It’s just a bunch of old newspapers.” But unbelievably, Irwin actually manages to pull it off, and clears enough junk in order to see the floor of his office again.

Will the transformation stick? And will Denis be able to keep his hands off Joan? Tune in next week to find out.