5 Random Things That I Blame On Being Left-Handed

Happy International Left-Handers Day from yours truly, Ami Angelowicz, proud lefty. There are a bunch of things you already know about lefties — like we’re creative, intelligent, have good hand-eye coordination and tend to have crappier immune systems. Check to all of these, except for the hand-eye coordination. That trait seemed to have skipped me entirely. I was supposed to be good at tennis, dammit! Not even close. But there are other things that I’m good at (and bad at). And even though they’re not traditionally linked to being left-handed, that’s what I attribute them to. After the jump, five things I blame on being a south paw.

1. Doing everything backwards. When I began to crawl, I did it backwards. My parents literally had to dangle toys in my face to train me to move in the right direction. This backwardness became a theme in my life. Doing things backwards just comes naturally to me, but often to my detriment. This was how I broke my arm playing “Who’s Got The Bacon” in my fourth grade gym class — I crawled backwards and, not expecting me to, a big girl stepped on my wrist. My backwardness was to blame for a bike accident in Amsterdam. I naturally choose the wrong side of the street to ride on and an angry Dutch woman reached out and punched me. I fell off the bike. Not cute. Also, this backwards thing has been the cause of many an awkward kiss. When his face goes one way, mine automatically goes the other. It’s not because I don’t want to kiss him. I can’t help it! I’m left-handed.

2. An inability to use silverware. There’s a number of reasons why you wouldn’t want to sit next to me at the dinner table. You already know that we’ll bump elbows, which is awkward. But wait! Did you know that there’s an 80 percent chance I’ll spill my drink on you? I’m all elbows. There’s an even greater chance that I’ll spill my food on you or me or both of us. Reason: I can’t use silverware. No, I didn’t grow up in the forest. My parents taught me how to use them, they just don’t make sense in my hands. No matter how hard I try. My knife usually ends up upside down, my fork at an odd angle. A piece of chicken is likely to fly in your face if you dine with me. Don’t get mad at me. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t ask me to chop any vegetables. One of us will lose a finger.

3. Complete and utter confusion about how to use gadgets. Put a gadget in front of me, any kind of gadget, and I’ll just stare at it. I’ll have no idea how to use it. I’ll read the directions. I’ll still have no idea how to use it. I’ll lose interest and walk away. I’m talking clocks, iPods, DVR’s, my computer when I first got it. I’m not dumb, I’m just mentally impaired when it comes to figuring out buttons and stuff. I need to be shown step by step how to use something. Once I know the steps, I’m fine. But before that, I’m dumbfounded.

4. Being a klutz. I’ve made reference to spilling on myself, knocking over glasses, having poor hand-eye coordination. It’s so much worse than that. My spatial awareness is absolutely pathetic. I trip and fall ALL THE TIME. Bang into walls, corners, miscalculate doorways. I am covered in bruises, scratches, cuts. Most of the time, I don’t even know how I got them. If there is a way to get injured, I will find it. I’m convinced that this is partially due to the world not being accommodating to my south paw needs.

5. My crazy dreams. I have the weirdest dreams. Always have. I remember them in vivid detail for years and years like they are movies. I think this is because the right side of my brain is dominant. Or I’m just a freak. I dunno.

You tell me other south paws; do you experience these things as well? Please confirm or deny.