Dear Chad William Forber,
I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried to accept your Crisco fetish. But there is only so much this woman can take. When you get arrested Criscoing in public, that’s when I knew it was over. We had a deal about Criscoing in public!
No, Chad. I can’t bail you out of Rock Island County Jail. I mean, I don’t have $40,000. But more importantly, I can no longer try to help you. I was wrong to ever think I could, According to the police report, you were found without pants, lathered up like a greased pig, wandering around with an empty can of Crisco cooking spray. When asked why you were wandering around with meth on your person (you told me you stopped!), you said you were “looking for a place to party.”
Chad, I just can’t believe this. I think you’ve hit rock bottom. Please don’t call or write me letters from jail. Don’t ever contact me again. It’s for the best. Whenever I bake cookies, I will think of you.