I want to climb into the womb of “TLC” and live there forever. The network really, really gets it. Um, did anyone see the preview for “Abby & Brittany,” the new reality show about the conjoined twins? Holy crap, TLC. I bow down. Anyhow, last night’s two-episode premiere of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” was more epic than I expected. Not only were most of my pressing questions answered, but I learned things I never expected to know in this lifetime. Bless you, Boo Boos, for how you’ve enriched my life. This is definitely my new favorite show. Bottom line. Here are the six very important things you might have missed on last night’s episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Be prepared to have your mind blown. (Plus! Bonus clips of Alana on a new episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras,” which also aired last night.)
1. Warshing your hair in the sink is the most hygienic way. While June may not be the most beautimous in the box, she likes to teach her girls how to take pride in their appearance. And this is one of the many ways she does so. June and the girls have always warshed their hair in the sink, because apparently, it’s cleaner than taking a bath because “when you take a bath you are sitting in your own filth and you don’t want your hair to be nasty.” However, warshing in the sink doesn’t prevent lice.
2. There’s an event called the Redneck Games, and it is kind of like the Olympics, but with more vagiggle jaggle. What a delightful event to watch — vagiggle jaggle and all. In case you’ve never attended (I certainly have not), you can compete in various events such as bobbin’ for pig feet, armpit farting and mud pit belly flopping. And when you’re done, you can go cool off in the “redneck bathtub” (translation: lake), if you’re not too scared of getting attacked by flesh-eating bacteria.
3. You can lose weight by farting. According to June, if you fart 12-15 times a day you can lose weight. I wonder if this fart diet includes 50 cent cheese balls? Anyhow, Anna (aka “Chubbs”) and June will find out soon enough, as they are embarking on the fart diet together. But don’t think that because June is on a diet that she doesn’t love herself just the way she is. She embraces her fatness.
4. Pigs can be gay. The not-so-silent star of the show was Glitzy the pig, the new member of the family. Glitzy was purchased to cheer Alana up after she didn’t win the natural pageant. With the introduction of Glitzy, here’s what I discovered about teacup pigs:
- They wear toe nail polish.
- They sleep in cribs with their owners.
- They fart.
- They can be gay.
Alana’s big plan is to make Glitzy (a boy) a pageant gay pig by dressing him up in gowns. I can’t wait to see if it works.
5. It’s not good etiquette to pick your nose or fart at the dinner table. Pumpkin may be my favorite of the sisters because she genuinely doesn’t give a fuck what people think of her. I fell in love with her during her and Alana’s etiquette lesson. Pumpkin asked the teacher, Mrs. Hickey, the best question: “Can you fart at the table, is that rude?” Yes, in fact, according to Mrs. Hickey it’s the height of rudeness. But Pumpkin doesn’t care, she’ll stop passing gas when she’s dead. Um, YES.
6. A baby comes out of a biscuit. The Boo Boo family refers to a vagina as a “biscuit,” because they resemble cooked biscuits from Hardee’s. I’m just gonna leave you with that. Also, we still don’t know who 17-year-old Chickadee’s baby daddy is, but we know that, according to Alana, she’s gonna pop a baby named Kaitlyn out of her biscuit. Indeed.
BONUS! Alana was also on a new episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras” last night. Here are four of our favorite moments in the playlist below.