Two of my most major dating anxieties are A) having nothing to talk about and B) the first kiss. I fear having nothing to talk about, not because I don’t have anything to talk about, but if I’m sitting across from an uncommunicative human for an hour, I will feel compelled to fill up every second of that hour with words. And for those of you who similarly fear awkward silences, you know how much energy it takes to fill an entire hour with words. It’s soul sucking.
That was a tangent. I’m really here to talk about first kiss anxiety, which is way, way more serious. I think there are two schools of thought on first kisses: Those who think a bad first kiss indicates incompatibility and those who believe that kissing is not all-important. If you’re a member of Team Kissing Is Not All-Important, it’s all-important for me to be up front and tell you that we don’t have anything to talk about. A bad first kiss is enough to put me off the person … forever. So, when I’m on a date, and we do have stuff to talk about, I am then free to live in fearful anticipation of that first lip lock. I understand that everyone has different kissing styles and preferences, and there is a spectrum of what may be considered enjoyable, but I’ve consulted with other women, and they agree with me, there are certain kinds of kisses that are universally unwelcome. After the jump, some kinds of first kisses that will render romance DOA. Don’t be an offender.
1. The Phantom Kiss. This one kills me. I saw a couple doing this on the street the other night and I had to look away. I was afraid I might vomit. The Phantom Kiss is when the two lips don’t actually touch. It’s the “I’m just going to hover millimeters away from your mouth inhaling your breath” move. It has a weird controlling/teasing element. “I’m moving closer. I’m pulling away. I’m right near your lips. I’m hovering.” I think it’s intended to be romantic in some way, but unless you are MADLY in love with the person and the smell of their breath gets you high, it’s just weird.
2. The Dry Peck. Ya might as well give a kiss on the cheek if you’re going to do this. A soft peck is sweet. A bone dry peck with tight, dry, rigid lips is about as unsexy as it gets.
3. The Slobber Festival. If a kiss makes a woman’s face wet, something has gone terribly wrong. You may be overeager to show “what a great tongue” you have, but it is unwise to do that if you can’t do it without making a huge mess. Thou shalt not lick face or slobber like a dog.
4. The Accidental Kiss. This happened to me once and it was rather unfortunate. The guy went to kiss my cheek and I went to give him my cheek and we both went opposite directions and BLAMO! we were kissing and didn’t want to be. You can avoid this kissing mishap by giving clear spacial signals to your date. If you move face far to the side, it signifies a kiss on the cheek. If you make eye contact and move in dead on, it signifies a kiss on the lips. If she moves away from your dead on approach, SHE DOESN”T WANT TO KISS. If all this seems too confusing, just go in for the hug and wait until next time to tackle the kiss. Whatever you do, DON’T ASK IF YOU CAN KISS HER. Women HATE this.
5. The Face Collision. This is in the family of the Accidental Kiss, only this smooch is intended. One or both of the people miscalculates the angle and noses collide or you get a jaw in your eye socket or teeth clack together. Whatever face parts manage to get in the way, this kiss is never fun. It can even be painful.
6. The Over-Aggressive Kiss. This kiss is just too much for a first kiss. It may include biting, forceful shoving of a tongue down the throat, full tonsil exploration, and face eating. It’s good to be enthusiastic about a kiss, but this one is beyond enthusiastic. It’s as if you just got out of the slammer earlier that day. You’re on a mission to kiss a human woman and it doesn’t matter whose mouth gets in your way. Um, scary.
7. The Bad Taste Kiss. This is a preference thing, but some of the things that can make a kiss taste really bad are: cigarettes, onions, garlic, tuna fish, stinky cheese and halitosis. The halitosis is not your fault. Please see your dentist for treatment options. The rest of those things, please avoid if you plan to kiss someone for the first time in the next 6-12 hours.